Bio-art.

You absolutely MUST check this out.
Its brilliant and amazing and wonderful and incredible and unbelievable and [well I expect you get the point?].

Start Of Something Beautiful.

Dusk. Dim orange streetlights.

Strings of song.

Silence

Skin prickling at the first touch.

Desire

Threads of rapidly crisscrossing thoughts

Flashing. Gone.

Eyes closing. Slowly.

Struggle of sense. Hesitation.

Electricity

Sparking anticipation

Coming together

The moment.

Blurred and Beautiful.

Seeming to last forever

But eluding memory

The beginning -

No end

The start of something beautiful

Lingering on

More Yay!

Okay so I decided white is more my thing, black wasn't suiting me so I ended up changing templates again and I'm using one of blogger's default ones just tweaked around a bit to suit the Purlpe Cauldron. :). I love it. I'll keep it this way for a while atleast!
And yes I am so going to flunk maths. One day to doomsday. God Help me.
An yes I'm writing pretty regularly.
And the coffee is back. And I have tons of chocolate, like boxes of chunks of home made chocolates baba brought from Kodaikanal so I'll survive for a while. They have cocoa farms there. I'd love to own a cocoa farm and have a chocolate factory :).
Oh no I'm talking about chocolate again. I mean I shouldn't be doing that. For certain reasons.
[Okay Mr.Coffee I'm really sorry you know, I couldn't resist and I seriously didn't mean to - well you know the rest.] :P
But I just hope moody posts dont look chirpy because of the chirpy layout.
I mean I still write moody broody serious things. So please take me seriously when I write broody serious things. Well, easy to say that now coz I'm not writing anything serious or broody but hell whatever!
Okay I guess that's it for now(I mean its not really it but I have to say goodbye before I write too much nonsense and I need to sleep anyway).
Cheerio! :)

Yay!

So I finally managed to change the template and I guess I'll be changing templates more often, its fun. :). Oh and the cool thing is there's a 'search' option in the blog so you can search the blog for any keywords. Only problem is the font size is pretty small so it might look a bit cramped. But I like it anyway.
And maths is really frustrating the hell out of me, but Taylor expansion isn't as scary as I thought. But successive differentiation is much scarier than I thought. Phew.
I think I like blogging better than social interview on Facebook. Some of the questions are really lame, like 'what would so-and-so do if you tickled them?' and 'what would you do if so-and-so threw a water balloon at you?' and all that. Blah. 
I like winter. Its lovely to snuggle under the quilt and get your feet warm. And also it offers more opportunities to dress creatively. Like layers and hats and scarves and all that. Nice.
I've survived four days without coffee. There isn't any more coffee powder in the house. Tomorrow's a sunday and hopefully some shopping will get done so I wont have to struggle for existence. No really, I hate it when I badly want coffee in the evening and there isn't any and I have to make do with tea. I mean there's only so much tea you can drink. Ugh.
I swear I'm going to throw a party after 2nd year to celebrate the fact that I don't have to study math anymore. But thats a long time off. :(
I realized its been almost 3 years of my blog. Yay :).

Time is all it takes.

I spoke to Maddy for a really long time today after a really long time. And like always, all the memories, flashbacks and unshared secrets came up.
And I think I can afford to give math a break for the evening so I got thinking like I usually do. Some revelations that made me go back in time. Little things that don't matter anymore, but would probably have mattered back then.
I've had an eventful life these past few years. I've seen a lot, experienced many many different things and learnt.
And over time everything changes. Fights, disagreements, struggles, overwhelming emotions you couldn't come to terms with. Everything gets ironed out in the end.
It still is difficult for me to accept some things or maybe I think that way just because of memories raked up. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, how to handle situations as they are now. There are times I still can't make sense of what I'm feeling which confuses me and depresses me. But what can be done? As of now, nothing.
But I know that everything will be alright later. Everything will be fine, ironed out. Things will begin to make more sense and I'll know exactly what I'm doing without being unsure of myself.
But it will take time. Time is all it takes.
This is life. :)

'Oh well, whatever never mind'

I'm not going to change. Because I like the way I am. I love the way I am. I like the things I do, I like the way I do things. I don't care if they're good, bad or crazy.
I'm a world for myself. I don't need much. I'll never go against what I want to be, not for anything in the world.
But I like change. I like trying new things, new ideas. I'm not rigid. I like to experiment. Find out what works best for me. Stick to what's best for me. But try other things. I like to fluctuate, oscillate.
I'm impulsive. I like to think. I think rather a lot sometimes. I wonder why I try to be nice all the time. Sometimes I'm not sure of what I'm doing. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes excited, elated, frustrated, tired. Sometimes I just don't know.
But I like being me. I like everything about me and about what I do. And I'd never want to be turned into something else, someone who live my way. I wouldn't change for anything in the world.

Strange Phenomena

I have my honours exam tomorrow and for some reason I am so shit scared I'm almost paralyzed and I cant think and I cant study and this has never happened to me before. I mean hell, I've never even been tensed before an exam. What the hell is going on? Like really, I'm so damn tensed and it feels like I've forgotten every damn thing and my head seems to not be working, like I don't remember a thing in inorganic. Everything is just gliding past me. Hell.
So I came online to try to relax a bit. Man I am scared. I think its the pressure. If you do well the first time people think you are absolutely the best and you always have to be absolutely the best. Family, friends, classmates, professors. And most of all myself. Its me whose been pressurizing myself the most.
I've changed I guess. I never cared about exams all my life, let alone get tensed. I mean earlier it would piss me off that I wasn't tensed before an exam like a normal person. I sort of wanted to start afresh now on the academic front because I was pretty average at school and yeah I'm quite pleased with the fact that I've made a start atleast but the incredible pressure I've got to get through to keep it going that way is something I realized only now. And the main part is, its a subject I like and I always want to be the best at what I like best. Sometimes I think I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly what I wanted to do before making any wrong choices. And I'm getting to do exactly that.
And unfortunately, that isn't the case these days. In 11-12 everyone's so confused with all the options. And mostly because of the peer pressure they end up doing something they don't really want to.And there are a huge number of students who get into basic science courses because they don't get the ranks they'd need in the competitive exams to get into the institutes they want and its pretty bad for them because if you don't really like the science and you're forced to study it, its terrible. And actually the whole system's a confused mess because it isn't easy preparing for competitive exams along with the boards.
So anyway like I said, I'm lucky. And personally, I wouldn't study engineering if you paid me. Actually the only other alternative I could've gone for was medicine or biotech. But naah. I'm happy with chemistry. Medicine is crazy tough and biotech isn't basic science. And since I want to do molecular biology later on chemistry is the best option.

Sheesh I've written a lot. Feynman's writing is getting into my system, I think I'm writing like him. :-O
Yeah writing helps!

So tomorrow will be the last bangla exam of my life. Yay. Uh, considering I pass that is.
I hope I pass I hope I pass I hope I pass

Hello again :)

I haven't blogged for a long time. So I thought I really must post something because my blog looks all abandoned.
And I want to make an omlette. I don't know why, but I just do. A big fluffy omlette with onions and tomatoes and capsicum, lots of chillies, maybe some cheese and chilli flakes and pepper and oregano and whatever else I can find.
And its winter but its not really cold yet, though people are acting like its the antarctic. I want to wear my nice green big sweater and purple socks. And I also really want to eat phuchka. Really jhaal phuchka. Haven't had phuchka in a long time.
I miss going to college. I feel really useless at home because all I do is eat and I become terribly lazy. We're on study leave for semester one exams which begin on 4th december.
Its nice going for long walks on winter afternoons. The exams will kill my winter here. Bad.
Oh and I'm really happy I got accepted for the Undergraduate Associateship at Saha Institute Of Nuclear Physics biophysics division. Which means I get to work on a research project there for 90 days a year for 3 years till I graduate. Which means I will already have a bit of research experience by the time I complete my Bsc. :). And protiens are cool :)
Yay. :)
Oh I just discovered that olive oil is nice. It smells nice too.

When I grow up and live on my own I'll call my close friends over for dinner on saturday night. And I'll cook dinner and we'll chat and catch up over brownies and coffee. Hot coffee on chilly winter evenings and cold coffee with ice cream for sultry summer days. And there'll be some good music for a nostalgic touch. And I'll light the pretty scented candles that have been piling up unused.
Yeah its nice to fantasize.
[Okay I admit that fantasy was a little bit Wake Up Sid inspired.

As my head spins faster and faster.

Past lives spinning by
losing count
Too many lost worlds
Days forgotten, though maybe not quite
Now just hazy outlines of memories
That dont seem like they really belong here.

A tightrope walk between past and present
All over again
New worlds, new lives
one at a time
Coming, going, coming, going

The same old things
but every time, surprising with a shining newness
never failing to electrify
Rising, dying, rising, dying
...Rising again
 To die again maybe
But its bright, like every rising.
Bright, but in a different colour.

There's nothing called perfect,
Nothing called forever
Nothing called never
 Just a long, long road
with something new at every turn

And my head spins faster and faster
I feel that strange tingling again
The spark through my nerves
The shocking thrill
But I think I know...

A nice day :)

So. I had a good day. And I thought physics would dampen my mood but I discovered elatedly that we had very little calculation to do, so good. :-).

I  like this weather, its somehow very peaceful and beautiful. Winter is setting in. Its lovely to walk in the s thats somehow makes me feel more alive. I left home a bit early(well I got ready early and I saw no point in hanging around at home) and I listened to Porcupine Tree on the way to college and I discovered I'm addicted to 'Radioactive Toy' in addition to 'Trains' and 'Piano Lessons' and Radioactive toy has some parts which have a very strong Pink Floyd feel. Gods. Those two bands are the Gods.

A.N. didn't turn up so 8 of us went to the canteen, decided we were hungry and pounced at each others food. :P. It was actually after a long time that I was hanging out with my classmates. I don't generally do that. And then all a sudden I saw an old friend who'd come to the Shakespeare seminar and it was really nice meeting her after a long time. Its funny how catching up on people suddenly is such a pleasure.
And we spend the rest of the time we had checking out guys there :P (its especially a lot of fun doing that when there are 6 girls together :P ) and we had a pretty good chat and stuff.

And then me and Krishno went walking all over Park Street and New Market for phuchkas and had pretty jhaal ones(yes jhaal phuchkas after a long time!! :D ). And then chocolate ice cream to cool down the fiery insides. :P. Jhaal phuchkas go well with this weather you know. :)

Then I met Riju at JU and we drank apple juice(instead of coke/pepsi for a change) and chatted about life and college and stuff and then I met Haimanti at Ruby and I aslo took some pictures there. Of the sky, obviously. It was great meeting her after such a long time. :-)

Yeah so it was a nice day. I am happy you know. Being happy is fun and nice, yes. :)

Back to work!

Its back to college and as usual my head isn't working well enough but I have nothing else to do at the moment. First period of the day is off[YAY!] so I'm in the cyber room.
My head is all fuzzy somehow when I get here so there are so many things I intended to write about but I dont seem to be able to make sense of anything in my head.
Well, first day back wasn't all that bad. I got a 10/10 in AD's vectors and mechanics paper[which is really shocking] so was quite elated because the last time I got full marks in anything was probably in class 9, in my first week at MHS, in Miss. Guha's history test. And I hated school back then but after being all praised by Miss.Guha I was all happy.
My dad promised me a present if I got full marks in math but that never happened unfortunately.

20th was Baba's birthday so I made chocolate cake and it was pretty good. We went to Flame and Grill of dinner and they have this unusual crab kabab which is pretty good.

Krishno continues to irritate me about bunking math classes and eating momos. :P
(Dont worry khawabo toke).

On sunday, me, Anushka and Ruvi went to City Centre and had a pretty "eventful" day. :D
We irritated the hell out of the people at the Junk Jewellery store by passing the weirdest of comments on the stuff there. Then at lunch we walked into one of the more expensive restaurants without knowing it would be way beyond our budget so we looked at the menu card and ran out. We decided a plethora of street food so we had these hot dogs and were still extrememly hungry so finally we went to KFC. And just when we were running out of things to do we went to Shoppers Stop, picked up the most awesome and most expensive dresses we would never buy and tried them on. And the third time we were on the verge of getting thrown out so we went to Pantaloons to do the same thing. :P
But we were thirsty this time so it was back to the food court. I had lemon ince tea which didn't taste much like tea or have muhc lemon in it and Anushka and Ruvi had chocolate milkshake which would give anyone diabetes. Probably they'd used chunks of sugar instead of chunks of ice. And there was this little girl who wanted chocolate milkshake without the milk. :) LOL!
And then we stared at a guy who looked intriguingly like a vampire(not as hot as Edward Cullen though)..but alright. :P :P

And my time's up I guess and this is probably the randomest post I've written in a while. Oh no I'm also hungry. :(
And I have a math class now. :(

Learning.

College is FINALLY reopening day after tomorrow so atleast I wont have to resort to desperate measures like taking weird quizzes on facebook to kill time.

And yes, I'll probably be able to sleep a bit.

About the only useful thing I've managed to do during the vacations is learn to make brownies. And I'll try cake tomorrow(its dad's birthday!). I've also read a lot.

And since I've had rather too much time to think (that's a terrible thing, trust me) and mull over how life's treating me I've been able to come to a few logical conclusions, but yeah its still hard to logically apply logical conclusions because a weird thing called emotion gets in the way.

The thing is, once you look at things from a broader perspective, rather 'the big picture' as I like to call it, accepting facts becomes a teeny bit easier. I don't really know how to explain this, but it's like looking at your life as its been so far, watching it like a movie without missing out any details(no matter how much you're tempted to). Like this chain of unrelated events shaping the way you think and feel. How relationships change, how people change, how we learn all the time, even unconsciously. And maybe things you never understood will fall into place. You'll find the little pieces you missed out earlier, just like when you're watching a movie or reading a book a second time.

Remember the times your people told you "whatever happens is for the best" and you refused to believe it? You'll look back and see it is.

I still have a long way to go.

New Divide.

I was staring at the night sky again, listening to 'New Divide' over and over again. The clouds were floating across the moon. The moon was pearly white and had a red halo around it. No, actually it was a rainbow if you observed closesly enough. A some way below the moon the little red pinprick of mars was visible, glittering through the clouds.

Some clouds were faintly orangeish pink, unlike the deeper red rain clouds at night. These orangeish clouds came in heavy masses around the moon obscuring it completely . Sometimes wispy white clouds flew across the moon. When clouds surround the moon you could see the red halo distinctly.

The clouds floated by in different shapes like a continuous procession. And sometimes the clouds all moved away leaving mars blinking through the deep blue night sky. Further into the night, mars seemed to be moving down so that I could barely see it peeking through the leaves of the tree.

And slowly the clouds, now deeper red began to gather.

There were some little black clouds too. It began to rain.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me

I remembered each flash as time began to blur

Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between

Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned

There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow

And the ground caved in between where we were standing

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

across this new divide

In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny

And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between

Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

Across this new divide, across this new divide

I dont understand.

Looking for me

all over again.

I dont understand

Running in desperation

A screaming mind

Chasing me only to find

The shiny pieces I gathered from everywhere

Pulling them together to create a doppelganger

with a mind ruthlessly killed

The open sky, ink blue

The hopeless vastness

Its all I can belong to

On an island with unknown seas

stretching beyond reach

I am a nobody, somewhere

Searching for what I am

Again.

Groping to find blankness.

I am a something in the universe

unable to recognize myself.

me.

my world.

what i have.

nothing.

everything.

i dont understand.

Nocturnals

I'm up again at 3:00 am after the usual 2 hour agonizing attempt to fall asleep. Its just absolutely disgusting to not be able to sleep no matter how hard you try. And its even worse when it happens EVERY NIGHT. I should just give up trying. And I have nothing to do. I mean I dont even feel like blogging, I'm only doing this because I have nothing to do. And I know I'm not making sense even though I'm wide awake. Once before the ISC the same thing happened and finally at 4:00 I gave up hopes of sleeping. Then I decided to do a math paper and after half an hour I was all drowsy.
And I'm also getting hungry. Today(well, yesterday) morning I made really cute fluffy circular omlettes with lots of onions and chillis in them. Long time since I actually made something.
Oh well I could keep typing in more nonsense but I think it would be a better idea to sign off before I start rambling about what shoes I bought and how I was taking pictures of trees in the dark with my phone and people saw me and it was terribly embarrassing and blah blah.
So goodnight/morning.

Oh I just remembered I have a diary. Not that I've written in it in decades or want to write in it, I just remembered. I'm too lazy for all that stuff.
Damn I'm really hungry.!

Minds.

Emotion is what makes us human. If emotion didnt exist, we would machines. A bunch of programs running on logic. But the human mind does not work only on logic. Emotion is antagonistic to logic. And no matter how much we think we can control emotions by logic, in the end we find ourselves grappling with the truth of being human. What would happen if emotion could be controlled by logic? Would it make us perfect humans, or rather superhuman? Or would it mean we aren't human at all?

Up there in the dark it all seemed so easy. But when you face the light of day, its harder than you ever thought. But I'm coming to my senses. Almost.

Almost.

blah

So my midsem exams begin on the 11th and I'm sure to fail physics and math.
And I'm addicted to the song Masakkali. And I'm also addicted to apple juice.
And I just noticed my hands are gradually turning permanently yellow because of the diazo coupling reactions every thursday.
And I'm actually trying to study but physics leaves me frustrated as usual and specially with all this weird vector algebra with things like divergence and gradient and curl and curl keeps reminding me of fat cute pink pigs with curly springy pink tails which DEFINITELY does not help. :-(
Today Alex brought his guitar and we went to the school grounds which were completely empty and the building looked totally haunted and everything around too looked pretty haunted and it was a really awesome feeling sitting there and singing. But then it started raining so we had to move.
We're planning to have a sort of pre-midsem party tomorrow(yeah lets all party before we fail and get grounded!).
Haha. >:D

Where it begins, it ends.
Everything dripping wet with memories.
The universe does not believe in perfection.

Freshers.

We couldn't have gotten a better freshers party. Really. And I NEVER imagined more than half the chemistry department were PRO DANCERS!

So freshers was fun. And I guess that after about 2 months, it really sunk in that I'm supposed to belong here. Somehow yesterday we were united by this sense of comradeship. It was inevitable I guess, but it was like magic. For the girls I guess fter going through the common ordeal of wearing a sari the whole day with frequent trips to the girls common room, it happens. And in general, the rest of the department made sure that all the ice was broken, not just with the seniors but within the class too. And the best part was that even though we were asked to do all kinds of things we cringed at the thought of, most of us were sporting enough to give it all our best and it was really a blast that way. We were all shocked into shedding our inhibitions about everything and for those who didnt, well too bad for them! I mean, its natural to be embarrassed but I think its worse if you crib and make a big fuss about it and spoil it for everyone. Its all for fun after all!

The performances were awesome and after our paper dancing contest was over, the second years gave the most brilliant demostration of how to paper dance! "Impossible is nothing!" :P. They found space to actually dance where none of us could even find space to keep our feet :P.

And in the end we all got to dance our heads off and I guess the way we were jumping around we'd forgotten we were wearing saris. Loud music, lasers, smoke, glitter and we forgot everything except the fact that we could move. The second and third years joined too. It was crazy and we loved every bit of it. It was sort of like being drunk, you dont know what you're doing and you dont remember much afterwards. It wouldn't be bad if we could have these sort of parties once in a while, because sometimes its important to forget reality[example: our midsem exams in 3 weeks :-( ] for a while and just let our hair down and have fun.
And it doesnt matter if you cant dance for nuts(like me) because no one really notices! :D

Rythms.

Today I sat down with my dad to play the tabla after a very long time. He played, I listened. I learnt, I played. Rythm is fascinating. It has a way of creeping into your head till you're full of it. Theres no end to rythm. It doesnt take long to sink into the beats till the cycle of 16 surges through your nerves, your blood, your fingers in a frenzy with its striking but beautiful mathematical precision. You are oblivious to everything around. Rythm swirls around you like its all that ever existed.

Rythms and sounds are inspired by nature. Not just that, if you look around you, you will find rythms, patterns, cycles everyhere. I guess that's why they call mathematics the language of nature.

I think it would be nice to play more often.

Surprise!

My friends gave me a surprise birthday party!!! I was just so extremely surprised and happy I couldn't stop hugging everyone. :). And it was the best engineered surprise too, I think. I didnt even have an inkling! It was absolutely wonderful. I'm lucky to have such an amazing group of friends! Rishav, Oin, Rohan, Neo, Adrija, Maddy, Pupu, Abhiroop. Thank you all soooo much!! :)

Everything on.

Today I went to this kid's fifth birthday party and I was brave enough to wear heeled sandals which I had abandoned as unwearable since I bought them last pujo but it truned out I survived without any major damage. I was able to walk, climb up and down stairs, and get on and off a bus without being injured. Hah. I envy people who can salsa wearing those high stilettoes with tiny surface area. They're geinuses.
The food was really awesome. The people there all seemed to know me.
It's extremely mysterious the way I seem to have become all famous suddenly. And its very embarrassing sometimes. On the second day of college I went down to the canteen and these two girls I had never seen in my life thumped me on the back and shouted my name so that everyone around stared and went all "HOW ARE YOU?!" and started talking to me as if they'd known me since I was two feet tall with two ponytails. I was too embarrased to ask them their names. I bump into them almost every day and after a month all I've managed to discover is that one of them is in either microbio or computer science. And the other one, no idea.
And then random people tell me I sang well and ask me if I'm coming to freshers so I guess they must be the seniors in our department.

I happen to be turning 18 in 2 days and for some reason I haven't made any plans yet and somehow I'm not all really excited. So I have no idea what I'm doing on my birthday. Other than hanging around at JU in the morning and then going to college(most probably). The thing is some of my friends wont be here on my birthday so I cant have a party. :-(

College is okay as usual and every lunch break I meet Krishno in the canteen and every day he asks me why I dont eat and I say I dont like the food and then he asks if I've made friends in my class and I say I have and he asks how come you're never with them and I say I cant find them. Lol. Deep mostly disappears these days. Earlier he would curse the canteen singaras and curse me for eating them("eesh eshob baaje khawar khash kano!!") and then eat mine and go away. :P

Classes are okay on an average(some are really good and some are really bad) and the lab is a madhouse and pretty much every alternate test involves a diazo coupling reaction so 80 of us have a riot trying to get our test tubes into one of the two ice water buckets after which we do the reaction which stubbornly refuses to occur in the test tubes so we end up with scarlet dye on our hands, feet, faces, hair and aprons. It looks like a 'who-can-get-more-red-dye-and-look-more-like-a-tribal-from-an-obscure-region-of-africa' contest. I also managed to set two test tubes and one fusion tube on fire in the second class. And someone dropped beta-naphthol on my foot and it became really orange.
Our first physics experiment was Newton's ring and we were taken into this impressive looking dark room with no light except from the slit of the sodium lamp we had for the experiment. Really cool place. We spent all our time cursing the rings using all the languages we knew and cracking the saddest jokes when we gave up all hope. Cracking PJs in a dark room is so much more fun. You can hear everyone laughing their insides out but you cant see them clearly, you can only see blurry outlines.

Its cool now the way everyone knows everyone else and so instead of many little groups of friends we now have this enormous group and its a lot of fun. The other day I ate the most enormous fried momos ever.

An now my mum is screaming at me to go to sleep but I dont want to so I'll try to finish Fountainhead I guess. :-)

College.

College has begun and I'm in St.Xaviers with chemistry. Its not amazingly exciting yet and to be truthful I'm not really in love with the place. I dont really mind it though. But its terribly boring sometimes. I hardly know anyone in my department but the others seem to have friends already. I also have a cold and I've been having two cups of lemon tea for lunch from the canteen for the past 3 days. The library is really awesome, its one of the best libraries I've ever seen. There are shelves and shelves of books on every subject and its a very modern looking library - it has a second floor as weel and the walls are painted a very cheery yellow.

I've liked most of my chemistry classes till now, especially the organic. We've been taught by 5 professors till now - 2 inorganic, 2 organic and one physical. I thought inorganic would be terrible to start off with, but we ended up doing atomic structure and bonding which are pretty nice. Math and physics classes till now weren't too great. Physics was boring cuz it was all a repitition of stuff we'd already done(and it isn't exactly my favourite subject anyway) and math I either didnt really understand[complex numbers! x-( ] or it was too boring for me to stay awake[she lectured us on the number system as an 'introduction' to differential calculus. :'( ].

Anyway, I guess this is the most boring blog post I've ever written. Sheesh. I just hope I manage to get rid of this cold! :-(.
Bye for now!

Obscured.

A face in the crowd I dont care to know
Mirror souls now a distance too far to bridge
Lost again
but I'm too tired to find you.
Walk away and hide yourself
Melt into your darkness
Sheild yourself with all you have
But I'm not coming, I've burnt all my candles.
Find your own this time.
Scars from stumbling in the dark are a distant past.
Goodbye friend.

Rainyhead.

Morning rain, the wet sky glows a bright gauzy white. Trees with leaves in all different shades of green sway, birds fly around. I sit in my chair by the window listening to the rumbling thunder while muching away on mayonise-and-tomato sandwhiches. Rain makes me feel all glowy inside, not a bright glowy, a soft mellow sort of glowy. It makes me feel poetic and filled with slow, beautiful but undefined thoughts. Not thoughts, feelings rather. Curling up with a Poirot novel, licking chocolate off my fingers with intermittent flashes of lightning behind the clouds gives me a strangely peaceful and contented feeling.
I listened to some old Westlife albums lying forgotten in my computer. They're beautiful. :)

Blankness

I don't know why I feel all dead and claustrophobic the day before an exam whether I give a damn about the exaqm or not(in most cases I don't). Maybe it's because I slept a lot today. I started re-reading the Harry Potter series(!!) and I'm halfway through Chamber Of Secrets and as always they get me hooked. I've had Scar Tissue by RHCP running in my head all day for some reason and I'm listening to it for the 8th time in a row. t's infectious somehow. It's giving me a weird feeling. The mellowish saddish haunting guitar line.I don't feel like listening to anything else.

I wanted to drink something so I had cold milk which was nice. Then I had lays magic masala. I wanted a dip. I used mayonise as a dip but once I started eating it felt too creamy and I felt like each bite was making me bloat up so I gave up. And I'm still stuck with this song, must be the 10th time I'm listening to it.

Freeze

The strange feeling, refreshing and cold as the icy wind.
The cold bites into me like a rope tightening
The trees murmer in rebellion
I am here, alone
Lost, entranced by the turbulent earth,
an earth lost in memories of its youth
eons before the age of mortals
My mind is frozen
Red clouds creep into the ink blue sky
Dancing forks of lightning, surreally arousing
I stand here alone, breathing in
Every breath a new life, a new feeling
I am empty, but alive
entangled in this frozen jumble of chaotic thoughts
A wilderness I needn't make sense of
Unreal but wonderful
Freezing silence, beautiful as a snowflake
I reach out to hold you
breathe with me
Cause this world is where we belong.

Flu and Floyd.

I have a cold and I'm trying hard to get rid of it because its very irritating to keep sniffing and feeling all swollen and puffy and sick and sad. I tried everything I could since yesterday -the homeopathic stuff, cough syrup(which helped), crocin(which is friggin really really useless) and 1 cup of coffee, 4 cups of tea and 1 cup of milk but I still feel all swollen and puffy and sick. We had a get together at Neoz again and at every get together we end up watching Pulse sooner or later so I watched Pulse for about the 4th time or something.
I bought chocolate for Tinku(his pet lizard) and it had completely liquefied. And then Neo taught me bluesy stuff on bass and I tried to play it and he played bluesy stuff on his acoustic guitar which didn't have a first string and then we got bored and started listening to Tool and got all high-ish and treated the poor guitar as a tabla. I SWEAR I'm going to try playing Tool on tabla, it'll be awesome.
And then Rishav was all sleepy and bored so we put on Zappa while he slept and we danced around(if I may use the term 'danced', it was more like two Neanderthals randomly kicking here and there and we always ended up kicking each other :D)him in the hope of waking him up with our horrendous dancing but we were unsuccessful unfortunately. :-
Sohom and Ayan joined us after lunch and we watched Pulse. again. :). But since I was feeling all puffy and swollen I went off to sleep :-.
I got home and had crocin and went to sleep again and woke up feeling sweatier and puffier and I just made tea but it was too strong but it wasnt bad so I drank it anyway and I felt temporarily less puffy.
Well I had a great day anyway. :)

Summer blues

April is killing me. I don't feel like doing anything at all the whole day. In the afternoon I feel like I'm melting. This heat seems to have retarded all processes, my head doesn't seem to be working AT ALL these days, which isn't a good thing cuz I still have two exams left. :-(
I just dont do anything at all really, just sleep a lot and talk a bit. I don't even eat a lot. I feel way too lazy to move, let alone go swimming.
Neo came over today and his pet lizard Tinku seemed to be really missing him and was really hungry too so Tinku called Oin and cried and told her he was bored and hungry :(. And finally Oin sang to Tinku and put him to sleep.
I know, heat does weird things to the head. It makes you have the weirdest conversations.
My brother is really being a pest as usual. He's a violation to the laws of physics(more specifically, the second law of thermodynamics) because its a mystery where he gets so much energy from when everything around is evaporating or melting. I'm just wondering what to do about him when my friends come over on sunday. Really. This is why I rarely host parties at my house but I had to this time. I just really really hope some kind of a mircale happens. High hopes.
Oh but then miracles do happen.
A friend taught me how to make cold coffee, haven't tried it yet. Hope it works. Hope my mixie works. I'll try on sunday. I also want to make lemon ice tea.
Well I'm just feeling dead as usual. Haha.
I'll write more sensible stuff when I have more energy.

Flashes of colour

Green ponds
Trees line the way
Bursts of colour
A rainbow carpet of flowers
Sunset.
Hues interwoven, merging slowly
Purple lines, orange glow
The sky a magestic palette
Master strokes of the brush
Sky paint mixes into blueness
Stars peek in through the gaps in the trees
Saying hello
Ruins and lighted homes
Glittering skyscrapers
Cobbled streets leading somewhere
A maze, never failing to delight.
The walk
The silence that encloses us
Time runs..

Damn. Glasses suck sometimes. They get in the way too much. x-(

Muddlehead

Hell man I have IITJEE tomorrow and I've given up trying cuz therez no way any of that math getz into my head, its such a nightmare. So there I go on a 8 hour long picnic. I'm listening Gosmack and I'm highly pissed with my mother cuz she wont let me go to a sleepover party at Anushka's place on the 19th and her reasons are really disgusting and illogical, which is even more pissing off("Why sleepover? Why cant you get together during the day like normal decent people? We never went to sleepovers in our lives!", etc.). Like big deal. I haven't yet told her I have an outing on monday, my plan was that I'd just come home after the exam tomorrow and tell her I'm going to south city with some of my friends(I'll have to make proper backup plans first which might be a bit of trouble) but if things look really bad I'll tell her I'm going to math tution and just get the hell out of the house and call her later and tell her I'm going to south city for lunch. Sheesh. Well actually if she doesnt let me go to the sleepover I'll have a good reason to throw a tantrum and get out of the house on monday.
I really hope I manage to get through to a bombay college. I'll get a more focused course and I really want to go live in a new place. Need to actually. My dad said he'll get me custom made tabla :-D. And a new synth too maybe! :-D

Flight.

Turns in the road

on after the other

Journey never ends

Free as a bird I glide through the air

Smiles and Sunshine

Darnkess to light.

Once and for all

and again, free.

The Rainbow Gypsy.

Runaround

Darkness creeps slowly into the mellow evening
Sharp shadows of noon blur to merge into a solace that embraces us
What was once 'forever' now seems nothing
Through the fading light I try to see
But outlines, no faces
Smiles, tears, nothing at all
Nostalgia
Decayed dreams being lived through,
Not remembered
Tangled thoughts that once lingered somewhere deep down
Washed away, lost
But tides come and go
You never know when they'll be washed ashore again
like always.
Voices flow free, not a speck of the broken sheild remains
Ruins of the wall lie in oblivion
Darkness envelops us, closing in
Our protector
It cannot mask the strange joy.
How do you know, what do you know?
The feeling of not feeling what should be felt
Space and time run in haphazard directions
Meeting sometimes, cosmic accidents
What should, what could, what does
All a mixture of confused destiny
And the cycle I guess will never end.

Candle light

Dusk falls, the sky bathed sanguine
Sitting in silence by candlelight
Soft whispers of days forgotten
A journey through memories eaten away
I see your face in candlelight
It dances there illuminating bits of you
Flashes, never whole
Once dark, once bright
Never still.
There in the dancing darkness
Stories of life, secrets
Wrappped tightly in that old song
The one that will always play.


Cosmic twins, we are one
The stars bind us,
incarnations in parallel universes.

Beating about the bush.

Never beat about the bush. It's a waste of energy and doesn't help in the long run. :)

Rainbow gypsy.

I stand by the fork in the road

To say goodbye, to step a new way

To break through the black and white

and chase the rainbow

I will walk through the yellow meadows

Follow the birds to the green wood

And beyond I'll find the crystal lake

Where I'll drown the rusty box of Memory's last traces

Till it lays to rest in the deep blue grave.

I'll wait for the moon to spin me my wings

And then I'll fly far far away

To reach my new place in the cosmos

And there I'll stand and smile

And wave back and say

"Hello, how are you?"

Brain Damage.

My head is just SPINNING. I didn't know organic chemistry would make my head too feel like it was staggered, skewed, partially eclipsed and eclipsed.
For the time being I'm trying to get myself into a more stabilized orientation by getting sound waves of large amplitude to penetrate the system. Heard of sonotherapy? (I'm too lazy to look up whether a word like that exists already, I think it does. And if it doesn't(didn't), now it does! Hah.).
Anyway, I think I should sign off before I inflict further damage to the brains of the kindly souls who read my blog.
Goodbye.

4 down.

So we're midway through ISC and the last two days was a nightmare swallowing a >2000 page physics textbook. I was so saturated I'm so glad the exam is over! And I found it pretty decent, considering I hardly studied physics at all the whole year. We have 3 days before chem and I'm not going to do anything today. I need a break!
Porcupine Tree are God.

I got wiring loose inside my head
I got books that I never ever read
I got secrets in my garden shed
I got a scar where all my urges bled
I got people underneath my bed
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
Swim with me into your blackest eyes.

Fade to black

Erase.
Delete.
Obliviate.
Nothing ever happened at all.
Stranger was a best friend, best friend was a stranger.

No difference, they're all best friends.
But still crumbs of Wall remain, resisting destruction.

ISC!

So, ISC has officially begun. We had our first exam, physics practical today. It was funny the way everyone was absolutely certain we were going to get concave-convex but they gave us single convex! I mean the last week was crazy, with people scurrying around for focal lengths and learning up elaborate manipulative techniques(I mean, doing the experiment is simpler isn’t it?). Okay, so that’s done. There wasn’t much scope for manipulation in any case!
But I really think it’s torture to sit in that lab for a full 3 hours without being allowed to get out. I mean for the first time in my life I was wishing it was hotter! Not that I don’t like the weather, but the volume of a kidney is just about 450 cc and if you don’t sweat the water content in your body is so high that ADH secretion goes down and the distal convoluted tubules become impermeable to water! And even if you don’t understand any of the bio I rattled off I guess you get what I mean! Oh, and to make things worse, they made us sit an extra half an hour to make us watch the papers being packed. Human rights violation! :-P

Last 'last'.

We had to go back to school for our papers. It somehow felt so surreal walking those corridors, sitting in class. All the old stuff all over again. And you know, it was too weird coming back to a life I believed I had left behind. It was a strange feeling reliving moments I had bid a grand farewell to. It just wasn't right somehow. People were overjoyed, coming back again but to me, it was like going back in time, to something I didn't really want to go back to, not because I didn't like it but because it just didn't feel right that way. I remember something Anushka had said at our last assembly: there is a time and place for everything, and even if somehow we could stretch the days, it wouldn't be right. It was all so Deja vu.
Hyper little Sushi taking attendance and jumping about squealing at the top of her lungs, PDG and her dreary lectures, chem teacher and her wrongly overemphasized syllables, Dr.De and everything about her, Parvathy and the feasts and round-table-gossip conferences in her class while she taught a scattered few. Ishani's enormous computer project with algorithms written in a last minute frenzy using my only black pen(the only pen I had actually! :P), Ruvlina's tiffin, Lydia's madness..
It's hard to believe we dont even have a month left for exams to begin. Today, it sank in that school is really over. Today was the last of everything. The last 'last'.

Resurrection

Drowned in the storm but healed by the rain

I live again, reborn

Awoken to a peace long forgotten,

but as beautiful as ever before

Burned by flame, beautiful and dangerous

I am the phoenix, risen from my ashes

to a new day, a new world.

With a reason to love and believe

I fly above the clouds, the golden sun on my wings

Far away from the dark cavern I was enchained to for so song.

A new beginning.

P.S: I was stupid enough to think you were stupid. Thank god I was stupid. :)

What matters.

Not you. Not anymore.

I don't understand how this happened and why this happened and I don't want to, because I'm tired of understanding. I don't want to understand. I will just accept that somewhere something went very wrong. Maybe not as wrong as it could have been, but wronger than it should have been.
The change came too late. I waited and waited and waited and then..walked away. You don't know. How would you? I lost the game, I won it too. To you there was no game. It didn't matter. It doens't matter.