Darkness and a flicker of light

It's that sinking feeling again. The one I feel will never go.. I am, once again down in the dumps. And this time, I'm down enough not to be able to write poetry. I guess I should be used to it by now. Some things will stay the way they are. And I'll have to accept them....And that's the hardest part.
Just when it begins to feel like things are going to be alright, your life starts getting all the more messier. Things that never get off our mind....and however you try to make yourself think that one day, it will all be set right, it weighs down on you like a sack of wet sand. Losing a great friend is not one of the easiest things to get over....and specially when you can never be sure whether you'll get him back again... Blogging is an a great way of getting off your depression a bit. It doesn't help me positively cheer up, but it's nice somehow.
Somtimes you can't hate howver hard you try. And that's what hurts the most.
Maybe sometimes I feel I'd like to 'stay in love with my sorrow'. But when I come online, there are always people to cheer me up. And then they make me realize its not too bad to be happy after all. And if there's one thing that really makes me happy, it is knowing that I have friends who really care, people who wouldn't want to see me sad.
It's hard getting used to being down like this, but it feels nice to dwell on happy thoughts for a while - things that bring little flickers of light into your dark mind. Old memories, dreams you thought you'd lost forever, and the little things people say that really make you smile. These moments won't last long, but everyone needs a bit of light, even if it's just a momentary glow.
Thanks a ton buddy!

Still Happy!!

YEAH! I like being happy! OK, well duh, everyone does. Its a really nice feeling, being happy.
I finally deleted my Orkut account! And I guess I don't feel too bad about it right now. But it'll take some time getting used to it. Orkut has done a lot for me. I've found a lot of good friends there and it's also hepled me interact with people, something I find really difficult to do. Orkut has pretty much played a major role in my life for the past few months.... But it's all gone now. Well, there is life beyond it. :)

Yesterday was the last day of Jacosynthesis. It ROCKED!!! So my first fest ended pretty well. I liked it. And I met one of my really good friends after a REALLY loooong time, and that was what made me really happy!! We had a smashing time. And the performances were really good too, except for the fact that all the schools had the SAME song in their dances and ALL of them made the same punching actions somewhere in the dance, but it was great. The costumes and make up were awesome.


I wanted to post this picture of my BEAUTIFUL harmonica!!!

Oh, and before I forget, there's this amazing website I found!! It's an uncyclopedia. Have a look! It's got really cool spoofs on everything.

Happy?

I'm actually pretty happy today after a long time. And I'm liking it.
Well first of all, I went to my first ever fest - Jacosynthesis, so I was all excited....And it wasn't disappointing at all!! We didn't win but St.James gave a bloody brilliant performance which was absolutely mind blowing, and I kind of felt it was worth going there just for that. Even a person who doesn't ever listen to classical music could not have hepled being mesmerized. And it felt completely POINTLESS to even think of coming anywhere near competing with them! I mean it was SCARY! Actually. And the rest were pretty good too. There sure was stiff competition. The funny part of it all was the comments - there was this screen where the comments on everything kept flashing. That added to the humor.
And then the UN mock was amazingly hilarious. There were ten schools representing ten different countries, and our school was representing Germany. The topic was something like -"Veto power should be abolished"[I don't exactly remember]. St.James were representing the U.K - the representatives were Mick Jagger and I think Keith Richards. They were trying to reproduce a British accent, but it actually sounded more American and the comment was - "I think his idea of a British accent is spitting into the microphone". And then in the middle 'Mick Jagger' stood up and said something like -"Respected chairperson Sir, You see, I Mick Jagger am not really used to attending these UN meetings. Its really hot here, so with your permission may I take off my blazer?" Whoa. And our reaction was like, man, why do people have to start stripping in the middle of a UN General Assembly meeting? And then there was this girl representing China [I forgot which school], who kept screeching into the microphone to get herself heard, Mamata Bannerjee style, and the comment was - "Looks like Mamata Bannerjee has defected to China!!". And every time she spoke [screeched], we'd cover our ears and the screen would flash - "MAMATA!!!". The poor Russians kept contradicting their own statements and USA, represented by LMB used an excessive of hand gestures. Australia, represented by DBPC completely lost their accents and they were wearing terrible shirts, so the screen flashed -"I didn't know Australians had such a bad taste in shirts".
The whole thing was pretty hilarious. It was fun. A lot of fun.

So basically I got the feel of a fest. I liked that...

But then at the end of the day, you get back to reality. You get reminded of things you don't want to be reminded of. In the end it all comes rushing back...Life as you need to face it.

The End

Broken into pieces
Torn apart by insanity
The pain will never recede
The wounds will never heal
Love will never turn to hate
Things wont change anymore
Its the end
The complete end
Its all over
And it'll never come back again.

Numb

The feelin's all gone now,
Slipped away like fine sand
Numb from the instensity
Numb from the thought
Numb from this fiery burning I've got
Numb from emotion, exhausted by pain
I only wish to be reborn again
Tired of the ghostly eyes boring into me
So I seek release, for eternity

Look at me,
Look at what I've become
A fuckin wreck
Writhing in the dark depths of my mind
Wondering why I let it all go
But still holding on
I'm in the shadow,
Even with joy around me
Everything's black

I've felt so much,
That I've got no feeling left
I'm tired of it all....
I've become
Numb

Why Love is blind

I started writing another depressing poem today during the phyics practical class, after having abandoned an attempt at drawing a portrait of Albert Einstien. Yeah I actually TRIED drawing Albert Einstien but he ended up looking more like the Potato Man with overgrown hair, so I started writing poetry instead.

This is a rather interesting story I heard....It's really nice. It goes like this.
Once upon a time, God called Lie, Love, Madness, Laziness and a few other qualities and asked them to play a game of hide and seek. Madness volunteered to be the seeker, and everyone else agreed because they didn't like the idea of seeking Madness. So Madness started to count - "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...". Lie said he would hide under a rock, but he went and hid at the bottom of a lake. The other qualities also hid. For a long time, Love couldn't find a place to hide. Finally love found a rose bush in which she hid. Madness stopped counting. Laziness was the first to be found - he had been too lazy to hide. Madness began to seek love, and finally found her in the rosebush. The thorns had pricked her eyes and she was blind. Since she couldn't see anymore, Madness had to guide her. So from then onwards, wherever Love went, Madness went with her.

Love is blind. And Madness always accompanies love.

Hidden.....

Forbidden thoughts
Wild dreams
Silent fantasies
Tearing me away

I hide my face
Afraid the world will see me
Afraid of being unmasked
Afraid of losing control of my mind

So I shut myself away
From everthing but my mind
And that's what's killing me now
My mind.
Forbidden thoughts
Wild dreams
Silent fantasies
Deep, deadly secrets

I'll carry them to the grave.

Or will I?

These thoughts remain unspoken
They always will
My dreams haven't died yet
And they never will
But the pain of them being unfulfilled will last forever
Unfulfilled, hidden,
Forgotten, forbidden
That's what they are
Forbidden thoughts
Wild dreams
Silent fantasies

They'll stay with me forever.
Filling my life till I die.

Hidden face
Hidden feelings
Hidden words I can never speak
Hidden heart
Hidden soul
Hidden emotions I can never show
Hidden tears
Hidden musings
Hidden smiles
Hidden wanderings
Hidden hope
Hidden craving
Hidden wishes.....

Always hidden.

You'll never know
But I wish you knew....

Alone again - A poem

Another day goes by
And I feel our distance growing
There's nothing left to fill the void this time
All I had was you
But now it feels like you're a stranger
I try to reach out but you shrink back into your shell
I've given up waiting for an answer
I know it'll never come.

Emptiness fills me, the pain is numbing me
There's nowhere I can hide my tears
I sometimes wish I could escape
But there's nowhere to go
I walk alone now
I don't know where
A space lies vacant where you used to walk with me
But you aren't there....

I don't know why you don't understand
And don't even try to understand
That you're getting carried away
Snatched away by temptation
Not knowing what's coming

I try to tell myself I don't care anymore
I wish I could stop trying
To think about why you just walked away like that
Without realizing what you did to me
But deep down I realize
That you are beyond caring
But I'm not
I'm still clinging on
I don't know why

You've become something else
Something I don't recognise
Someone who doesn't know me
Someone who turns their eyes away from me
Leaving me in cold darkness
Alone.
Again.

I wonder whether the path I've taken
Is going to lead to a dead end
Because on the way, all I find
Are dead things, thoughtless, emotionless
And my dead mind decaying
With your thoughts.
Thoughts which would once illuminate my mind
Which now douse me in frozen filth.
It's just so haunting
The way you've left me stranded
Alone.
Again.

We're no more what we used to be
And it's never going to be that way again.
Now all I have is me.
Myself. Alone. Again.

Rain....and other things

This is an IMCOMPLETE poem about the rain. It can't be called a poem exactly, but rain's too poetic a thing to write about in a non-poetic way, so here goes.

It rained all night
The angry sky a dull plum
To be lit electric violet by the slashes of lightning
And the sky fell apart with thunder
Fiercely, intesnely the wind howled
All night, like a caged being
Venting its spleen on the trees and everything that stood in its path
And the rain lashed through the darkness
Spalshing violently on the ground
Making little streams which flowed in winding paths
Carrying dreams and memories you never knew you had
And the rain came down, pounding on my windowpanes
Like a man with a tangled mind
Begging for release...

[There was some stuff about the morning but it isn't really making sense]

So basically it's another one of Kolkata's rainy days - Rain all night and all day, streets getting flooded, people unable to go to school or office, lazing about at home drinking coffe and eating khichuri or ilish maach and getting fat. :P

For me I think it was very LUCKY. This weel was supposed to be one of the most stressed out with a hell lot of tests and stuff, but it's turning out to be rather relaxing!
Relaxing enough to play depressing music on the keyboards, not-so-depressing things on the sitar and positively happy beats on the tabla. :) Of course, I don't think it's actually possible to play sad things on the tabla. Unless, maybe you're a real virtuoso, which I'm not.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Playing the sitar is 'uncool' right? Yeah. Yeah. You tell people you play the sitar and they go all 'Oh! Sitar. Oh. :-| '. And give you this glance. I've seen that. If you play the guitar, you're a god. How logical. Don't get me wrong here, I have absolutely NOTHING against guitarists, but for HEAVENS SAKE, people need to REALIZE there are other insrtuments to play!

Change......

This is the first time I'm actually writing about 'touchy' things. Things that might reveal a lot about me, something I haven't done before. I'm a basically shy person. Too shy to make the first move, too shy to speak out, too reserved to let people know what I really am. And wierd in many ways. Which, though is something I actually proud of. I like being me. I like being different. Everyone does.

Things in life change. And for me, the last two years have been like a complete metamorphosis. Sometimes, everything seems to go wrong. But now I realize even the worst things that happen to you are actually good.

I shifted to Kolkata two years ago. I was in the 9th grade then. After having spent almost seven years in Bangalore, the idea of Kolkata didn't appeal to me at all. During the last few days at my school in Bangalore(I didn't really think those would be the last few days), I would fervently pray that we woudln't move to Kolkata. I didn't even tell all my friends there. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my friends properly.

So I boarded the train to Kolkata, quite sure that I would return to Bangalore as scheduled, to my old school, old friends. The good old green and white uniform with the tie, assembly in the massive auditorium or the Senior Quad with the trees blowing in the breeze, and our principal blinding us by wearing possibly the most horrible shade of magenta or murky green one can find. And then of course, the gossip, talking about our latest crushes, bitching about people and the teachers, getting caught by prefects for wearing our belts too low(Man, that used to be terrifying!) and then banging on the desks singing 'WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!!' loud enough to break the windows.

OK, I'm getting carried away.

So anyway, I got off the train at Howrah station to be greeted by my aunt and her new car. ;)
And I though it was going to be just another summer vacation.

And then, before I knew it, I was sitting in the principal's office at Modern High, being interviewed. I don't know how I passed the admission test with my horrible bengali, but to my utter shock, I qualified. Everyone was so happy - my parents and relatives and everyone. Everyone was congratulating me. I don't think I ever felt more depressed. I wasn't going back to Bangalore.

I hated school. Hated everyting. Hated the uniform, hated the horribly depressing school building, hated the weather. The old, broken, grey dilapidated buildings I would pass on my way to school would give me this feeling of unending gloom. The only thing I would look forward to every day was the phuchka eating after coming home.
This phase lasted for pretty long. And it was more my reluctance to accept the fact that I HAD to live here, that I had no way out, that made me take a lot of time to adjust and make friends.

And looking back I realize HOW MUCH things have changed. I don't know what I would have done if I hadnt been here. I'm being able to do things I've never done before, I've experienced things I'd never have been able to if I'd been in Bangalore. Two years ago, I'd never even though of imagining that life would be like this now.
Partying non-stop, 'keoraying' at various places, playing a lot of instruments, travelling around on my own wherever I want ;), hanging out, gossiping, meeting interesting people, blowing up the chemistry lab... :P
And the best part is that I've made the greatest friends ever. I couldn't ask for more. I'm loving life, just as I should. I'm having the time of my life!!

I know this sounds kinda crazy here, but I'd really like to thank all my friends here who've made life brighter for me. Thank you all.......

Oh yeah, and Heil the K.I.N.D. ;)

A quote I came across:
"Wisdom tells me I'm nothing,
Love tells me I'm everything,
And between the two, my life flows."