Sunday, 14 September 2008

i dont know

i'm sad. i don't like talking. i hate physics. i can't stand physics anymore. i'm fed up of physics. i hate electromagnetism. i don't get why people like physics. it's boring. really boring. i can't stand page after page of derivations of magnetic field strengths. i don't mind photoelectricity that much though. but i cannot study physics any more.

i'm tired. i don't know what i am. i don't know why i'm writing even. i haven't written in my diary for ages. i don't know why i don't write. i want to finish that diary off and then burn it. yes. burn it. because i don't want to ever see it again. i'll finish it and read it one last time, and then burn it. i'll burn all my diaries. i have around seven of them. but i don't know how i'll burn them.
damn i sound high.

just some time ago i was in a really happy and jumpy mood and i was listening to rhcp but now i feel all tired and sad and i don't want to listen to anything.
i spent half the evening thinking of writing a nice happy post about how i'm alone at home today and how i drank lots of coffee and how i made papad in the microwave.

i'm bored and i have nothing to do, so i was reading a lot of blogs and some of them were really nice. i wish i could write well. but i like my blog. i like it. i want to write a poem but i can't.
i hate school because we have exams and i hate exams. and i hate school anyway because the classes are all unbearable, except maybe bio. i don't like talking to people there. i just sit in that corner next to the window and read a book. i hate talking. really.

noise disgusts me. i feel sick when i hear too much pointless jabbering.
i don't like being at home because everything is so messed up and it's so un-peaceful. my brother's either screaming his head off for something, or listening to the radio full volume(he's destroyed the t.v, so it doesn't work anymore) and he refuses to listen to anything anyone says. and it's really a waste of energy screaming at him, so i just let him do as he pleases.
i don't care dammit. as long as he's not destroying any more of my birthday gifts or anything. but it really gets to my grandparents, so they spend the whole day repeatedly telling him to do this and that, and he doesn't listen so they keep telling him even more.
all the constant confusion in my house probably sounds hilarious to you, but i hate it. i hate it. on top of that, there's rarely anything edible in my house on weekdays. the maid really can't cook, so i just avoid eating as much as i can at home(except on weekends, when my mum cooks). and i hate the way everyone is after me to eat. why can't they just leave me alone? it gets on my nerves, someone coming into my room every ten minutes telling me to drink my milk, and i don't drink it. i hate milk. or someone coming in to keep telling me to have a bath. why?

and then my brother brings his mad friends into the house and they ransack the place. fine, they're kids. we used to do that when we were kids too. but what i cannot stand is the way they try to break everthing with that remote controlled car. but i guess it's unfair to complain because i too broke a lot of things when i was a kid. but somehow, kids these days are so violent and hot tempered and destructive.

my tabla has burst and i haven't had time to get it fixed yet, so i can't play it and neither can my dad. there are lots of songs i want to pick up on keyboard but i feel too lazy to play. my sitar sounds bad and i tried fixing it but it still makes choked noises so i don't feel like playing it. i tried but that damn string tore again and i've run out of strings and my teacher won't be coming till exmas end.

i dont want to go to sleep.

no moon today.

everyone's cribbing and complaining and talking loads of bloody crap i don't want to listen to, but i have to listen and then i just feel like telling them to shut the fuck up and just get lost, but i can't.
i hate being a nice girl. i hate always being polite. no, i like it. but it's frustrating laughing and being nice to someone when you want to curse them for all you're worth.
i just don't get along with people. i have friends, yes. good ones. i'm nice and people like me and so i have friends.
but in the end i realize they're i can't as close to them as i was. you get to know someone well, and you discover more flaws, more differences, and you accept that you cant think alike. they're either too grown up, too childish, too quiet, too talkative, too immature, too active, too laid back, too moody, too happy, etc. so i don't have any best friends i've had since i was really small(though that's probably because we kept shifting), and i don't know how other people do. they're lucky.
it's not their fault.

it's my fault that i'm so individualistic. i've unconsiously set my expectations from this world too high, because i'm over with the phase when i had to bring them down to ground level, so that it didn't hurt. and now nothing hurts me at all any more.

i've become strong and i don't like people expressing their weakness, becasue it disgusts me. i, unrightfully expect everyone to be like me. strong. and impassive as a result. and it's wrong and i know it. the fault lies not with the world, but with me and i know that.

i don't know.
i don't care. i don't want to. i never cared.
i should be studying physics but i don't think i can stand any more of that stuff.

4 comments:

anodr lost soul said...

was dis blog really long n confusing or did i dream it all...no criosly...smtyms u kinda feel lyk shit n u feel dat nthn in d world's gonna make u happy...happens 2 me evry morning wen i c myslf in d mirror... :)
u cant help bt get over it asap coz d world's really not botherd abt u...so u gotta b narcissistic...

zombey_-/\-_ said...

@ lost soul : evry mornin U feel shitty???? :O...nd tat olso wen u c YURSELF in de mirror!!?? :O..
am i dreamin?? :O

@ wise witch: nuthn 2 worry abt...evn i feel depressed sumtyms! :(

@ lost soul: *punch*

@ wise witch: :-*

The Wize Witch said...

sheesh.

Vimal said...

"they're lucky.
it's not their fault."

:)