Sunday, 1 May 2016

Coming back to life.

"I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life."

Rainclouds cover the sky.
There is this peace today. Of dark skies and Pink Floyd.
Solitude by the window, a cup of tea to keep me company.

I am healing.
I am rising.
I can feel it today.
I can breathe.

I do not apologize for being me.
I do not apologize for being silent but passionate.
I do not apologize for doing what has been good for me even if it has been hard.
I do not apologize for trying, doing my best, even if that is not much.
I do not apologize for fighting and struggling. Letting go of things that hurt me.
I do not apologize for dreaming.
I do not apologize for trying to make friends and failing most of the time. The successes make it worth it. And it's not my fault.
And I do not apologize for opening up. Exposing myself.

I did this largely alone, but I am not sorry that I reached out when I couldn't fight by myself anymore. No one should.  It's not easy, but you will find the people who care and understand. One day.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to ask for help. Admit that you need help. And accept the help.
Raging this war by myself has made me strong. Exposing my vulnerability made me think I was weak, but then I realized it has made me stronger.
Because I am happier. And when you have that on your side you're almost invincible.

I am not sorry that I'm not as pretty or smart as the other people.
I am me and I'm beginning to embrace who I am.

I am alive, as I deserve to be.
Because of everyone I love.
I will not go back to the cave I imprisoned myself in.

Because I deserve it. I deserve this.
I deserve the silence of the darkening evening sky.
The birdsong and the grass and the smell of rain.
I deserve to look up at the night sky and feel like I belong to the seemingly infinite universe.
I deserve to dress up all I want whenever I want, be colourful, be a woman and feel like a woman.
I deserve to walk tall in my heels, confident. Sway my head, sing loudly, just for myself, like I'm in a music video.
I deserve to feel amazing and ecstatic.
I deserve to want and be wanted.

I am full of love and peace.
I have learnt who I am.
And I accept it and don't keep trying to be who I want to be and beat myself up when I can't.
Of course we need to reach to be the best we can, and I try. Very hard. And I used to hate myself that I'm not who I thought I would be. But there's no end to striving to be better is there?
There's no end to thinking 'I could do better'. And that's a cycle we're trapped in.

But it's okay. Because sometimes, once in a while, I need to let go and feel like I'm good enough.
That I deserve all I have and all that I get.

Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter how many degrees you have.
Or how you're going to change the world with your intellect.
What matters is being a good person.
Now I know.
I remember that I am a good person, even if I'm bad at everything else.
And sometimes, that should be enough.

Today, I am ready.
I realize I may not be, all the time.
But that's okay, because today I am.
I am happy, and I know I'm enough.

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