Monday, 5 August 2013


Friendship day is just over. It's weird how I've lost touch with most of the people I called friends. Again, realization strikes that I am pretty alone. But not completely alone and thats what counts. It's probably not a very healthy thing to be an extreme introvert like me but I've tried changing that and I don't think its something that will change. Interacting with people, talking, communicating - are things I'm horrible at and am  just uncomfortable with. I do it because I have to, thats pretty much it.

I used to be much more colourful. Now I'm so monochrome and bleak. So grey. I haven't worn earrings for ages and that was unthinkable before. When I feel awful, I look awful, and when I feel good about myself I look better and dress well. People say dressing well makes you feel good but it doens't work that way for me because if I don't feel good, I wouldn't be in a mood to bother to dress well. More like, I think I don't deserve it.
I went through this prolonged depressive phase which culminated in a sort of mental and physical meltdown. I realized I don't want to be a biologist. It's not what I was born to do. I probably don't know exactly what I was born to do, but I know this is not it. I felt like I was constantly having panic attacks and I could just never breathe normally, the feeling you get when you're really nervous except it's happening all the time. And then I got afflicted by weird things, so I had to come home.

So I'm back home to take a break and re-align. I did some things I haven't done in such a long long time. I sang, and it felt good. I'd forgotten what that was like, almost. Listened to some new music. Music adds meaning to life. I broke out of the classical groove for a change. Watched TV, though I didn't have the patience to sit and watch one thing. Made and drank coffee the way I love it, strong and with a bit of cocoa. Taught my brother math and biology. Ate nice home-cooked food. Drank a lot of berry juice.
I hope once I get back, I'll be in a better position to get my life back into balance.

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