I don't know what to say when people ask me what I want for my birthday. I never actually think about it. There's nothing at the top of my head. I don't sort of keep making a list all year or something. Even when I plan to buy things for myself I finally think 'oh, no I don't really need this'. I do shop impulsively sometimes, as a pick me up though. And I buy things when I need them. So? Clothes? I have too damn many of them but it's still always impossible to say no to new clothes. Where and when am I going to wear them? I don't foresee many occassions on which I can wear nice and new clothes. They'll just lie in my cupboard till I forget about them. Shoes? Yeah I could always do with shoes but I will again end up wearing the same old sandals every time. Unless I absolutely need them(which is hardly ever, if you're talking about occassions to wear nice things), they will lie forgotten at the back of the rack. And like I said, if I don't feel particularly great, I don't like wearing new and nice stuff. And since the frequency of feeling great has now dropped to zero pretty much, it doesn't make sense. 

I'm not much of a gadget person, I really don't care about phones and things. As long as I can call, sms and listen to music it's fine with me. Watches I like but I stick to one watch unless it's absolutely non-functional. Jewellery - I have a lot of it already and unless I'm buying something specifically to go with something, there's no point. Books - I love books but honestly, I don't have time to read them now. But maybe I'll buy a few. I always love the feeling of buying new books. Decorative stuff - simply no space. 

Damn. And then I end up asking for absolutely useless things. Imagine asking for ideas for your own birthday present. How ridiculous is that?

. 

Blanc-Noir

Friendship day is just over. It's weird how I've lost touch with most of the people I called friends. Again, realization strikes that I am pretty alone. But not completely alone and thats what counts. It's probably not a very healthy thing to be an extreme introvert like me but I've tried changing that and I don't think its something that will change. Interacting with people, talking, communicating - are things I'm horrible at and am  just uncomfortable with. I do it because I have to, thats pretty much it.

I used to be much more colourful. Now I'm so monochrome and bleak. So grey. I haven't worn earrings for ages and that was unthinkable before. When I feel awful, I look awful, and when I feel good about myself I look better and dress well. People say dressing well makes you feel good but it doens't work that way for me because if I don't feel good, I wouldn't be in a mood to bother to dress well. More like, I think I don't deserve it.
I went through this prolonged depressive phase which culminated in a sort of mental and physical meltdown. I realized I don't want to be a biologist. It's not what I was born to do. I probably don't know exactly what I was born to do, but I know this is not it. I felt like I was constantly having panic attacks and I could just never breathe normally, the feeling you get when you're really nervous except it's happening all the time. And then I got afflicted by weird things, so I had to come home.

So I'm back home to take a break and re-align. I did some things I haven't done in such a long long time. I sang, and it felt good. I'd forgotten what that was like, almost. Listened to some new music. Music adds meaning to life. I broke out of the classical groove for a change. Watched TV, though I didn't have the patience to sit and watch one thing. Made and drank coffee the way I love it, strong and with a bit of cocoa. Taught my brother math and biology. Ate nice home-cooked food. Drank a lot of berry juice.
I hope once I get back, I'll be in a better position to get my life back into balance.