Restart.

I wish I could just restart. Do things all over again, differently. Change what decisions I took. It's too much damage to reverse and get on with. But probably I have no choice. It's been a struggle all along and it's only getting worse, never better. All the excitement, self-esteem, motivation has just been completely shattered in one year. It's nothing like I had envisioned, nothing at all. So? I bit off more than I could chew. Rather I ate too much of the wrong thing, it looks like. And it is mostly my fault. On the bright side, you never know until you've tried. You never know what you want to do till you're doing something you thought you wanted and then realizing this is not it. I want to go back to being who I was. That's what I'm better at and that's what I want to do.

This is not what I thought research would be like. Atleast this is not what I thought I would end up like. I'm at a point where every damn experiment I do is conspiring against me to not work no matter what. Maybe I'm just too lazy for research. I want to live a balanced, peaceful life where I'm happy, even if it's 'average'. I want to do other things. Not just think about problems all the time. 'Success' at the end of the day depends on you, and whether you're happy and it makes absolutely no sense to live in any other way.

Well, I need to get on with it. I need a break. Because most of the time I wake up wishing the earth would swallow me up and at the end of the day I feel like I should just go jump into the ocean. I need massive re-motivation, re-inspiration which realistically looks unlikely but I'm hoping something will strike. It's like waiting for a miracle to drop on my head.