Screaming into vacuum

Still, white noise

Chaos inside your mind 

Trying to break free

Bleed out

Life comes back

Full circle

To push you all the way

To where you began. 

Unlearn, relearn.

An empty page

Waiting for a story to begin

Again

From nothing

Cozy corners.

Bustling cafe
Chai tea latte
Bright lights and bar stools
Haiku and strains of the flute.

The smell of books and coffee
Cozy chatter
A little blip of solitude
An hour of stolen silence.

Dreams of home and kitchen shelves
Mirrors reflecting empty rooms
Time gone
Now buried in bookshelves

Cloudy skies
Another day
Coffee and laughter
Killing loneliness.


     

Sunday scribbles.

One week through the semester. I like my classes so far. 2 more weeks of my rotation and I'm kind of lost there, but trying to muster some hope to face each day. Research is hard. I'm closer to taking the biggest decision of graduate school life - my PhD lab, and I definitely need to put a lot of thought into this.

I didn't realize this last sememster when I was very busy, but I like to be busy. Reasonably busy atleast. You would say it's easy to be busy when you want to, but it's actually not. Well, it's not like Baltimore has much to do anyway. Nor do I have a burgeoning social life (I probably don't want to either, but it certainly would not hurt to know some more people and I know that means active effort on my part). Life tends to get stagnant sometimes. Which is why it's good to be busy. But like they say, be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.

I'm enjoying my weekends pretty much. Dinner and drinks on Saturday night. Sleeping most of Sunday. Not a bad life?

I'm devastated that I'm missing 2 brothers' weddings. All the fun and excitement and gossip and dressing up and food all that. I sincerely hope I don't miss the others. And of course I miss Calcutta. The bustling, noisy streets, randomly meeting friends at South City, gelato, autos, the metro. Oh, so much.

Here we go again: Spring 2015.

The Spring 2015 semester begins. After a pretty long-ish break. Which I must say I enjoyed, but I certainly look forward to starting classes again. Being a little busier, chugging coffee while rushing to class, seeing more people, being forced to do more reading and thinking and learning new things and marvelling at science - that sort of thing.

I did some things I missed doing last semester - like lying in bed all day and reading. I'd forgotten what that was like. Reading is a great way of going on vacation without actually going anywhere. Which is why you should do it when you really want to get away. You'll be living in a different place, living someone else's life. It's very refreshing. I just read The Fault in Our Stars, which I got as a Christmas present. It was sad, but not earth-shatteringly tragic because you expect the tragedy, you know it's coming. But there are some very beautiful thoughts in there.
I got to spend a good amount of time in the very peaceful cozy library.

I also did some cooking. Home-style. Things like daal and spinach. With detailed step-by-step instructions on the phone from my mother, of course, which I hastily scribbled down in my notepad and kept next to the stove and periodically squinted at diligently to make sure I got everything.
Can't wait to make maach-er jhol. Slightly longer instructions for that. I guess cooking is a lot like doing experiments. It feels like that to me. Like reading a protocol and adding things and heating and stirring and then optimizing it. You need to be organized. Maybe if I cook more I'll get more used to it.

I also discovered the most amazing cookies-and-cream milkshake at the cafe in the Biology lounge. No wonder I gained a huge amount of weight in the last 5 months. (I officially fall in the category of 'fat' now.)

It's been raining and snowing on and off lately. I like snow but I don't like rain. Snow is just so white and pretty.

I am currently listening to a lot of Hindustani Classical and Coke Studio. Currently playing on loop (thanks to Pritam): Cheene re mora chain', sung by Rashid Khan.

Beginnings update

And so, my year has begun with confusion.

I'm confused about my work, confused about what I really want to work on, because I just realized everything I thought I'd like to do isn't quite turning out to be something I want to do. Learning new things has changed my perspective. So I have one more rotation left and I need to think very carefully about it. Because I have to decide on a lab after that.
Not to mention my experiments and what I'm getting out of them is confusing.

And life in general is confusing and I'm having a hard time trying to figure things out.

I would say the vacation is going pretty well - no classes for a while is probably what I needed but it's made me lazy. And I'm somehow ending up making a lot of mistakes. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to the semester starting again. I'll be stressed like crazy, I remember last semester. But I'll be more active, I'll see more people and I'll always be doing something. I might be depressed but I won't have time to feel it. But well, it's good to enjoy the break while it lasts. I should have done more during this time though. I didn't write much or read much. Or cook yet. I basically slept a lot and ate a lot of waffles and ate breakfast every day. And spent some time underground with the optical tweezers.

Just 2 more weeks till normal life ends.

And starting off

I know resolutions are cliched, but I like to make them every year more as a reminder of the things I would like to focus on. It's just an opportunity for a new start. A chance to re-focus. Nothing dramatic.

Well, to start off with, I did cross off one thing from my bucket list - watching the Times Square Ball Drop. Arguably, one of the biggest new year events in the world. Despite (literally) freezing my ass off in the cold for 7 hours and not being able to walk much after that, that's not what I remember. I remember the people around me from all over the world, the excitement as we counted down the long minutes till midnight together. It was great meeting so many different people, becoming friends for those few hours. There was a girl from Ireland, a bunch of Bangladeshi college students, a software engineer/video game designer from California, a Stanford graduated mechanical engineer from Hong Kong, an orthopaedic surgery resident from Mexico. And us, Hopkins graduate students. It was bearable only because of them. We stood and talked about our work and what life was like where we came from, and shared food and heating pads and shivered.

I guess sometimes you need to be forced to standing around with a bunch of random people in order to really socialize. I probably wouldn't have bothered otherwise. It was a pretty good experience to get out of this place, where sometimes I feel like I'm the only one here. I was reminded that a huge big world exists out there, with very different people who do very different things and are chasing their own dreams and have their own stories.

Times Square reminded me of Durga Pujo in Calcutta. College Square and Mohammed Ali Park on Ashtami evening.

I think sometimes we undermine the value of good conversation. We get so caught up in the other things that we forget that sometimes, you need to sit back for a while and just talk. Even better with good food and cocktails or coffee. Maybe I will do more of that when I find time.

One of the things I should probably do is try and feel good about myself more. On most days I wake up feeling stupid and inadequate and demotivated. It reflects on my outward appearance too. Because there will always be so much I don't know, so much I haven't done. I need to figure out a way around it. And the only way I can think of is to make sure I know more and do more. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's feeling crappy because I don't understand or know something.

I want to read more books. Write more, as always, though it turns out writer's block is my default state. Cook more. Try something totally new, like dancing. Join a dance class next semester. Try to make my life a little more balanced and healthier. As much as I can atleast, with graduate school life and all. Simplify and uncomplicate. Talk more. I'm sure if I tried talking to people it wouldn't be so bad. And I shouldn't skip parties if I can.

And as usual, I start off with a whole lot of hope. Here's to the (highly overrated) new beginning!

The year-end thing.

I now have blogger on my phone so I can write whenever I feel like.

The year is ending. Looking back, it's been a good mix of very different experiences. Mostly good ones. 

And I will be at Times Square, New York at midnight. I haven't been out of this place since I got here in August. It's high time I did. I need a break, I need to see more life. 

There are things I need to do, things I need to stop doing. Call it an end, call it a beginning. 

I should listen to music more. 

Snow stories

Snow.

I didn't even realize it was snowing until I went out in the morning.

And the snow fell in silent white flakes, thicker and thicker. It wasn't very cold surprisingly. 

And suddenly I was just overwhelmed by how beautiful it is. I never really thought it would be such a big deal. It's not really the first time I'm seeing snow. But I don't have memories of my first time seeing snow last time because I was 5 years old.

And my feeling like crap because of sleeping 2 hours last night and having way too much work and screwing up experiments is gone.

It's quiet and very peaceful. Everyone has left for thanksgiving vacations. The cafeteria and lounge is empty except for me. So I get a nice table by the window where I can see it snowing. It's so quiet I can almost hear myself think. And every keystroke as I type. I'm taking a break for a little while. Also because I can't keep going out in the snow for coffee which I'll need later so I'm sitting and having lunch and coffee. I brought my work here but I can probably finish it later.

I finally bought winter stuff but probably need snow boots. I also managed to make my room look livable finally. So I feel relatively like I have some sort of a home now. It's thanksgiving tomorrow and we hope to inaugurate the oven. Though I have no idea how. I'd love to bake. It's something I haven't done in a while. And it feels good to bake things for people. But I guess it's just going to be a small thanksgiving dinner. Probably just the 3 of us as usual. Maybe it's better that way. I might even cook. And hope that something edible turns out. 

Oh well, I'm going to trudge back to my lab through the snow. And enjoy the snow while I can.

Here and Now

Eggs, black forest ham and pepperjack cheese can get you so much happiness. Like waffles and maple syrup for a lazy saturday breakfast.
As can faux-leather jackets, pretty damn high-heeled boots, green dresses and red coats.

Many things have changed since I got here. I no longer like being alone much because the alternative is just so much happier. It's scary because I'm afraid I might lose the ability to be on my own. And I was thinking I'd get a lot more alone time after I get here but it hasn't happened. So looks like a few months have changed me into a pretty social person. Yes, I actually like people. I wouldn't even mind parties now. Heh.

I still haven't  had time to make my house look like a place where people live. And maybe that's more why I don't particularly like it there. Though 'living' there at the moment consists of occasionally going to sleep for about 3 hours. Note: my definition of 'sleep' has changed. Anything more than 2 hours qualifies as sleep. Less than 2 hours will be a nap. My sleep pattern over the last few weeks, with the exception of maybe one day has been a staggered series of naps. Oh well, what to do!

I also got pretty attached to my last rotation lab, which was weird because it's one of the most intense and demanding experiences I've ever had. Maybe it was because I spent way too much time there. It started feeling like home. The one week break between rotations, I felt like a nomad. Of course, it was a relief - I got a much needed break. I wasn't extremely crazy about the lab, to be honest, but I learnt some cool things, and did get something out of it in the end. Pushing myself to the limit was part of it, and I'm probably glad it happened that way. Maybe it was also because it was a long time since I'd been in a lab.  And maybe the last time (during my PhD atleast) that I'd be affiliated to a 'Department of Chemistry'. My program has labs everywhere and I probably won't be rotating in Chemistry after this.
And well, I liked my shiny white lab coat and radiation badge and beep-beeping Geiger counter. When I left and handed in my keys I almost felt like I'm leaving my hometown or something. Though effectively I'm just moving to the next building. Biology.

I'm excited about my next rotation because it's a lot of things I wanted to do.  Single molecule biophysics and protein folding. Kind of a step away from my whole attraction to nucleic acids. It's like when you read a paper and you completely fall in love with what they're doing. Love at first read? Something like that. And you think, OMG, this is what I want, this is what I've been waiting for - I just had to know it existed. Fortunately, we get to rotate and try things so I'm looking forward to it and let's see how it goes.

And here we go, another week of too many things and 2 hour naps. And then there's Thanksgiving break. But I'm going to have a good saturday night (something I haven't done in a pretty long time) and then go back to worrying about the rest of the things I need to worry about. Sometimes maybe you just really need to let go for a bit. 

Lessons from Graduate School.

1. In graduate school, you are on your own. No one else does the same thing. No one else goes through exactly what you do. And so, no one else will understand your situation. You're alone, and you have to learn to deal with it and maybe stop trying to explain yourself to other people.

2. No one gives a damn about what you're doing, so it's a good idea to get used to that and stop worrying about what other people think of you. We don't realize that half of what we do is moulded by our concern of what other people think. The thing is - everyone is too busy trying to get a handle on themselves, they don't have time to think about other people. And even if they do - you simply have to stop caring about it. Because there's already too much to handle. In the end it's your journey. 

3. People get screwed up, but many do survive well enough. You can never judge another person, and you shouldn't, because again, you can't really know their whole situation. 

4. You need friends. You need a social circle, because you will need all the support you can get. Isolation will inevitably get you depressed. I used to be a person who loved being alone and did great without friends or a social circle, but being alone is not easy when you're overloaded with things. You need people to distract you sometimes.

5. It's hard to make friends because it's hard to meet people who will be interested in interacting with you beyond a purely professional level. So you should probably not have too high hopes about making friends. 

But if you like science and you like to learn, you can probably stay happy enough through all of it.

Here I am.

So, here I am again. It's been a little more than two months since my graduate school life started.
My life is extremely crazy right now but yeah, I would rather be here than anywhere else.
Whenever things get too bad (it usually is quite bad), I remind myself where I am. And try to be amazed that I'm at such a legendary place, walking through buildings where legends have worked, legendary science has been done, and is being done.
My house looks like its been robbed, my kitchen has not been entered for a month, I still have no furniture and I'm still living out of a suitcase and a sleeping bag (some improvement: I have a mattress).
I have no idea when or where I'm going to eat or sleep next, which makes me essentially nomadic.
Though thankfully I have friends who cook.
I try to get some sleep about once a week.
Summer is going away, and the lush green is slowly turning yellow and orange.
But I'm becoming better at things like programming. Which I always wanted to do. So I am pretty much getting to learn and do what I wanted.
Just like anything, it's taking time getting used to the language of biophysics. Like how learning biology was like learning a new language.
Here, I feel like I know something. I feel satisfied that I know things, sometimes things other people don't, and I can participate, and contribute to the common learning. Be atleast somewhat aware of discussions during group meetings and seminars. Just goes to show how every experience you have is valuable.
I'm still as scatterbrained as always, though purple and orange post-its all over my desk are keeping things in control. Also, my lab bench is pretty colourful :

I also have black muticolour polka-dotted boots that are colourful and cheer me up when it's grey and gloomy and raining.
Oh yeah, and I still don't use american spelling. I doubt I'll get into the habit.
Fall should be pretty, and colourful.

On starting life as a legitimate adult.

It's been about 3 weeks since I moved to Baltimore. And now I realize what being an adult really means.

You're not an adult when you're 18. You're an adult when you sign a lease, rent an apartment, buy furniture, pay rent, set up utilities, buy routers and get a new wifi connection, cook, clean the house, create a bank account, use your own debit card and keep track of your finances, sign a bunch of legal papers, make sure you always have your keys, pay electricity and phone bills, shop for groceries - all on your own. And of course manage graduate school at the same time.

Surprisingly, I do have some kind of a social circle already (improvement improvement!) because it tends to get very depressing without human contact. I'm not as bad at meeting people as I used to be, and I don't dislike it. I've been making and effort and it's easier here because people are friendly. I am still to make friends with people in the classes I'm taking, but I think I'll get there.

It's exciting to be at Johns Hopkins - the place is legendary after all. But it's equally terrifying. If I was among the 5 to be entering this program, I apparently can't be all that bad, but I do have a lot of new things to learn. I guess the only way to not be overwhelmed is to try to be more excited than terrified. Not easy, admittedly.

Well, the semester is just about to begin full fledgedly and it's going to be  very busy one. Let's hope I manage to make it through in one piece!

Because I decided to not be lazy for a few minutes and post something.

This rainy gloomy weather is making me extremely lazy. As much as I like that it's not burning hot, it would work better for my mood if there was some sunlight sometimes.

So, I am lazy. I'm addicted to 2048 and I'm binge watching Grey's Anatomy. I make pasta sometimes and drink quite a lot of green tea and buttermilk.

In 3 weeks time I'm going to be in Baltimore, starting my PhD at Johns Hopkins. The excitement has abated a little. (It shouldn't. I'm going to Johns Hopkins, for heaven's sake!) I'm going to my dream school. So I should be so damn excited I can't keep my head on.
Sigh. I'm probably too lazy to be that excited?

Well, anyway, it means my lazy days are coming to an end. I can't wait but I will miss doing nothing all day. I've had a great break. I haven't done much, but I've done the things I love doing most. The simple pleasures of being able to sleep as much as I want, not having to talk to people a lot, reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies, singing and swimming. And enough laziness to last me a few years.

Nostalgia

It's hard to believe school was 5 years ago. Really, what happened in the time in between? Just as high school seemed like 2 very very long years, 3 years of college went by in a click. Chemistry, friends, relationships, all that. But school is what I remember.

It can't be that long ago, wearing those blue skirts and black shoes. Backpacks with notebooks with doodles on the last page. Gossiping about boys and girls from other schools. Music practice. Tuitions after school. Quick bites of chicken roll in between.

Twisted bylanes of Golpark, going away from the busy road to the quiet little street. The building by the little shop, the dark staircase leading up to the 4th floor room, buzzing with talk, laughter, anticipation. Silence as the teacher comes in, and minds whirring like machines. And the way back to the main road, the same phuchka stall and ice creams. Today, I went back there. My feet took me down the road like I was just going back to tuition after a week. Up the stairs. The door was closed.

Nothing has changed, except me.

Back then, I knew nothing. I didn't know what I wanted to be, and just assumed I had to be like everyone else. I was there because everyone was and I found my way out of the herd by being in it. I wasn't as good at everything as I would have liked. Now, I am more confident of myself, I know who I am. I am bold enough to go back there and say that I didn't go the way you all tried to. I'm not as brilliant at physics as I would've liked to be back then, and hated myself for not being, but I'm good at something. I may not have gotten into IIT, or even tried hard enough, but I'm happy enough and successful in my own way. 

And I grew out of my cocoon. I made friends, fought and went through all that drama, and I am glad to have experienced every bit of it. Those rooms and roads made up more memories of my school life than school did. And somewhere along the way, I don't know when, I grew up a little bit more. But only a little bit.
 

Winter rain

Chilly wind, the smell of wet earth, lush green and the sound of raindrops pitter-pattering, everything outside washed and glistening, the pigeon on the windowsill and the grey, dark, melancholy sky.

The first rain of the year.

There's something so profoundly and beautifully inspiring about rain, maybe because its a reminder of one of the many facets of the beautiful planet we live in. The urge to embrace and express this beauty through art, words and music hits with the sound of raindrops. We channel our beauty through that of nature.

Rain is Raag Brindavani Sarang played on the sitar, watercolour paintings of flowers and leaves and dewdrops, a fountain pen running across the pages of a notebook, and the intricate but simple beauty of mathematics and the laws of physics.

It manages to unchain thoughts we otherwise couldn't express, talents we never knew we had.

It's a beautiful sunday I'm fortunate enough to enjoy, curling up with some good old Famous Fives I never get tired of. They take me back to my childhood, transport me to another time while the cold rainy wind blows in.

Valentine's, blah blah

Valentine' week has begun and either I am getting old or I find Valentine's day and the associated crap overhyped. It was probably fun and a big deal in college but Rose day and Teddy Bear day? Mostly a huge marketing gimmick to make people buy roses and teddy bears and thousands of gifts. Cute for some people, not for me. A whole week of mushiness and trying to outdo each other with gifts - horrifying! Well, probably not surprising since I prefer to keep human contact to a minimum.

Of course it is fun to have this one day when you plan something with your partner, but I sometimes think it's something like a saving grace for people who don't bother to do it every day. It happens. The story behind Valentine's day is actually sweet, but it probably makes more sense for couples to celebrate a day that means something to them. Like an anniversary. Though it's understandable that normal people (unlike me) will look for an excuse to celebrate.

Or maybe I'm just too distanced from civilization and being cynical. Or irritated because I have to talk to people before I drink coffee after I wake up. I'm binge-watching Castle (I have a major crush on Kate Beckett) and reading too many food blogs (I am in love with food).

I recently watched Frozen and I love this song. 

Virtual Reality

I should probably be living in another decade, not this one with all the social media. Doesn't anyone else find it exhausting and invasive to be in contact with people all the time?

This is why I don't own a smartphone with an internet connection. Of course there are a lot of useful features like GPS and the ability to get information about all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius, but I can actually survive with them. And despite persistent badgering from every single person I know I refuse to install Whatsapp on my phone. Look at it this way, people did quite well before cell phones were made.

Technology is taking over our lives. Almost nothing is private anymore. Its great to share, but it's come to a point where we think a memory is wasted if we don't take photos and write about it and post it for everyone to see, but what we don't realize is that maybe we're not living the moment itself, and the memory will stay just as a long-forgotten photo we'll probably never see again rather than in our minds.

It's also very irritating when people are fiddling with their phones at social gatherings. Fine, you may be a little bored, but the objective of a social gathering, like a lunch out with friends or a dinner with family is to communicate, or make an effort.

It's actually ironical that social media, while enabling us to be closer to people is actually distancing us from them. When someone is on our friend list, we become complacent. Because we are already tagged as friends. Why do anything more?

Other than that, it's tiring. It's too much. One social network is enough for me, and I simply can't be bothered to make Twitter and Tumblr and Instagram and a thousand other accounts, just because everyone else is doing it.

I don't want to be accessible all the time. If people really want to contact me, they will. If I want to contact anyone, I will. I need to have an excuse for not talking to people when I don't feel like it, or when I'm doing something else and that's impossible to do if I'm visible 'online' all the time.

I'd rather have a real life and not a dominant virtual one. There is a virtual me, but it's not a copy of the real me. I want to live for the moment, and not for a photo or status update or a photo, and make real memories stored in my real self than memories made for the sake of my virtual life. It's not a very easy distinction to make, but once you think about it, you'll start to understand what I mean.