Lessons from Graduate School.

1. In graduate school, you are on your own. No one else does the same thing. No one else goes through exactly what you do. And so, no one else will understand your situation. You're alone, and you have to learn to deal with it and maybe stop trying to explain yourself to other people.

2. No one gives a damn about what you're doing, so it's a good idea to get used to that and stop worrying about what other people think of you. We don't realize that half of what we do is moulded by our concern of what other people think. The thing is - everyone is too busy trying to get a handle on themselves, they don't have time to think about other people. And even if they do - you simply have to stop caring about it. Because there's already too much to handle. In the end it's your journey. 

3. People get screwed up, but many do survive well enough. You can never judge another person, and you shouldn't, because again, you can't really know their whole situation. 

4. You need friends. You need a social circle, because you will need all the support you can get. Isolation will inevitably get you depressed. I used to be a person who loved being alone and did great without friends or a social circle, but being alone is not easy when you're overloaded with things. You need people to distract you sometimes.

5. It's hard to make friends because it's hard to meet people who will be interested in interacting with you beyond a purely professional level. So you should probably not have too high hopes about making friends. 

But if you like science and you like to learn, you can probably stay happy enough through all of it.

Here I am.

So, here I am again. It's been a little more than two months since my graduate school life started.
My life is extremely crazy right now but yeah, I would rather be here than anywhere else.
Whenever things get too bad (it usually is quite bad), I remind myself where I am. And try to be amazed that I'm at such a legendary place, walking through buildings where legends have worked, legendary science has been done, and is being done.
My house looks like its been robbed, my kitchen has not been entered for a month, I still have no furniture and I'm still living out of a suitcase and a sleeping bag (some improvement: I have a mattress).
I have no idea when or where I'm going to eat or sleep next, which makes me essentially nomadic.
Though thankfully I have friends who cook.
I try to get some sleep about once a week.
Summer is going away, and the lush green is slowly turning yellow and orange.
But I'm becoming better at things like programming. Which I always wanted to do. So I am pretty much getting to learn and do what I wanted.
Just like anything, it's taking time getting used to the language of biophysics. Like how learning biology was like learning a new language.
Here, I feel like I know something. I feel satisfied that I know things, sometimes things other people don't, and I can participate, and contribute to the common learning. Be atleast somewhat aware of discussions during group meetings and seminars. Just goes to show how every experience you have is valuable.
I'm still as scatterbrained as always, though purple and orange post-its all over my desk are keeping things in control. Also, my lab bench is pretty colourful :

I also have black muticolour polka-dotted boots that are colourful and cheer me up when it's grey and gloomy and raining.
Oh yeah, and I still don't use american spelling. I doubt I'll get into the habit.
Fall should be pretty, and colourful.

On starting life as a legitimate adult.

It's been about 3 weeks since I moved to Baltimore. And now I realize what being an adult really means.

You're not an adult when you're 18. You're an adult when you sign a lease, rent an apartment, buy furniture, pay rent, set up utilities, buy routers and get a new wifi connection, cook, clean the house, create a bank account, use your own debit card and keep track of your finances, sign a bunch of legal papers, make sure you always have your keys, pay electricity and phone bills, shop for groceries - all on your own. And of course manage graduate school at the same time.

Surprisingly, I do have some kind of a social circle already (improvement improvement!) because it tends to get very depressing without human contact. I'm not as bad at meeting people as I used to be, and I don't dislike it. I've been making and effort and it's easier here because people are friendly. I am still to make friends with people in the classes I'm taking, but I think I'll get there.

It's exciting to be at Johns Hopkins - the place is legendary after all. But it's equally terrifying. If I was among the 5 to be entering this program, I apparently can't be all that bad, but I do have a lot of new things to learn. I guess the only way to not be overwhelmed is to try to be more excited than terrified. Not easy, admittedly.

Well, the semester is just about to begin full fledgedly and it's going to be  very busy one. Let's hope I manage to make it through in one piece!

Because I decided to not be lazy for a few minutes and post something.

This rainy gloomy weather is making me extremely lazy. As much as I like that it's not burning hot, it would work better for my mood if there was some sunlight sometimes.

So, I am lazy. I'm addicted to 2048 and I'm binge watching Grey's Anatomy. I make pasta sometimes and drink quite a lot of green tea and buttermilk.

In 3 weeks time I'm going to be in Baltimore, starting my PhD at Johns Hopkins. The excitement has abated a little. (It shouldn't. I'm going to Johns Hopkins, for heaven's sake!) I'm going to my dream school. So I should be so damn excited I can't keep my head on.
Sigh. I'm probably too lazy to be that excited?

Well, anyway, it means my lazy days are coming to an end. I can't wait but I will miss doing nothing all day. I've had a great break. I haven't done much, but I've done the things I love doing most. The simple pleasures of being able to sleep as much as I want, not having to talk to people a lot, reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies, singing and swimming. And enough laziness to last me a few years.

Nostalgia

It's hard to believe school was 5 years ago. Really, what happened in the time in between? Just as high school seemed like 2 very very long years, 3 years of college went by in a click. Chemistry, friends, relationships, all that. But school is what I remember.

It can't be that long ago, wearing those blue skirts and black shoes. Backpacks with notebooks with doodles on the last page. Gossiping about boys and girls from other schools. Music practice. Tuitions after school. Quick bites of chicken roll in between.

Twisted bylanes of Golpark, going away from the busy road to the quiet little street. The building by the little shop, the dark staircase leading up to the 4th floor room, buzzing with talk, laughter, anticipation. Silence as the teacher comes in, and minds whirring like machines. And the way back to the main road, the same phuchka stall and ice creams. Today, I went back there. My feet took me down the road like I was just going back to tuition after a week. Up the stairs. The door was closed.

Nothing has changed, except me.

Back then, I knew nothing. I didn't know what I wanted to be, and just assumed I had to be like everyone else. I was there because everyone was and I found my way out of the herd by being in it. I wasn't as good at everything as I would have liked. Now, I am more confident of myself, I know who I am. I am bold enough to go back there and say that I didn't go the way you all tried to. I'm not as brilliant at physics as I would've liked to be back then, and hated myself for not being, but I'm good at something. I may not have gotten into IIT, or even tried hard enough, but I'm happy enough and successful in my own way. 

And I grew out of my cocoon. I made friends, fought and went through all that drama, and I am glad to have experienced every bit of it. Those rooms and roads made up more memories of my school life than school did. And somewhere along the way, I don't know when, I grew up a little bit more. But only a little bit.
 

Winter rain

Chilly wind, the smell of wet earth, lush green and the sound of raindrops pitter-pattering, everything outside washed and glistening, the pigeon on the windowsill and the grey, dark, melancholy sky.

The first rain of the year.

There's something so profoundly and beautifully inspiring about rain, maybe because its a reminder of one of the many facets of the beautiful planet we live in. The urge to embrace and express this beauty through art, words and music hits with the sound of raindrops. We channel our beauty through that of nature.

Rain is Raag Brindavani Sarang played on the sitar, watercolour paintings of flowers and leaves and dewdrops, a fountain pen running across the pages of a notebook, and the intricate but simple beauty of mathematics and the laws of physics.

It manages to unchain thoughts we otherwise couldn't express, talents we never knew we had.

It's a beautiful sunday I'm fortunate enough to enjoy, curling up with some good old Famous Fives I never get tired of. They take me back to my childhood, transport me to another time while the cold rainy wind blows in.

Valentine's, blah blah

Valentine' week has begun and either I am getting old or I find Valentine's day and the associated crap overhyped. It was probably fun and a big deal in college but Rose day and Teddy Bear day? Mostly a huge marketing gimmick to make people buy roses and teddy bears and thousands of gifts. Cute for some people, not for me. A whole week of mushiness and trying to outdo each other with gifts - horrifying! Well, probably not surprising since I prefer to keep human contact to a minimum.

Of course it is fun to have this one day when you plan something with your partner, but I sometimes think it's something like a saving grace for people who don't bother to do it every day. It happens. The story behind Valentine's day is actually sweet, but it probably makes more sense for couples to celebrate a day that means something to them. Like an anniversary. Though it's understandable that normal people (unlike me) will look for an excuse to celebrate.

Or maybe I'm just too distanced from civilization and being cynical. Or irritated because I have to talk to people before I drink coffee after I wake up. I'm binge-watching Castle (I have a major crush on Kate Beckett) and reading too many food blogs (I am in love with food).

I recently watched Frozen and I love this song. 

Virtual Reality

I should probably be living in another decade, not this one with all the social media. Doesn't anyone else find it exhausting and invasive to be in contact with people all the time?

This is why I don't own a smartphone with an internet connection. Of course there are a lot of useful features like GPS and the ability to get information about all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius, but I can actually survive with them. And despite persistent badgering from every single person I know I refuse to install Whatsapp on my phone. Look at it this way, people did quite well before cell phones were made.

Technology is taking over our lives. Almost nothing is private anymore. Its great to share, but it's come to a point where we think a memory is wasted if we don't take photos and write about it and post it for everyone to see, but what we don't realize is that maybe we're not living the moment itself, and the memory will stay just as a long-forgotten photo we'll probably never see again rather than in our minds.

It's also very irritating when people are fiddling with their phones at social gatherings. Fine, you may be a little bored, but the objective of a social gathering, like a lunch out with friends or a dinner with family is to communicate, or make an effort.

It's actually ironical that social media, while enabling us to be closer to people is actually distancing us from them. When someone is on our friend list, we become complacent. Because we are already tagged as friends. Why do anything more?

Other than that, it's tiring. It's too much. One social network is enough for me, and I simply can't be bothered to make Twitter and Tumblr and Instagram and a thousand other accounts, just because everyone else is doing it.

I don't want to be accessible all the time. If people really want to contact me, they will. If I want to contact anyone, I will. I need to have an excuse for not talking to people when I don't feel like it, or when I'm doing something else and that's impossible to do if I'm visible 'online' all the time.

I'd rather have a real life and not a dominant virtual one. There is a virtual me, but it's not a copy of the real me. I want to live for the moment, and not for a photo or status update or a photo, and make real memories stored in my real self than memories made for the sake of my virtual life. It's not a very easy distinction to make, but once you think about it, you'll start to understand what I mean.

Writer's-block-blues

Just another one of those days I don't feel like doing anything, and am pissed off at everything and craving things I can't have and trying to write for days and days but not being able to make much sense. And then the moments of creative inspiration have been done to death, in trying to create something out of a random web of ideas, phrases, images, feelings and words.

I sometimes feel like I'm switching off from everything and everyone, one by one. It does scare me a little. But not a lot. I don't really mind switching off. That again, is a little scary. But from what I've seen, life is made of these different phases which are often disjointed, and you might as well accept that you can't have everything at once. So it's nice enough looking back at moments that were, knowing you enjoyed them, but that they are over and can't come back. If they did, they wouldn't be the same, and that would depress you even more. That's how time works. Goes forward, never back. And even if you could time travel, you would still be a passive observer.

I think writing spontaneously works out best. Have an idea, write it down. It's happened too many times that in the attempt to make something beautiful and perfect, I lose interest in the actual idea and it just gets wasted. And later attempts don't do justice to the original spark of enthusiasm.

Maybe I should just go back to reading Harry Potter. That works as a cure for everything.

Happy things.

I'm thinking of starting the 100happydays project. I'm already a pretty optimistic person, and usually always manage to find something little to be happy about. It just means I have to take a photo of something I'm happy about every day and post it. A bit of work, but I like the idea. I have a suspicion most of the things that make me happy will be food.

I finished Catcher in The Rye. Some parts are quite nice, but overall I just didn't get it. I'm also reading The Emperor's New Mind by Roger Penrose. It is really brilliant. I should also probably start watching Sherlock. I just don't particularly like remakes of classics but this one is supposed to be very good as an independant series, so I should probably just forget about the Sherlock Holmes I read. 

Cooks and books.

I'm currently reading The Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger. It's supposed to be a terrific classic but the language is really getting on my nerves. Sort of the complete opposite of the last book I read, Wuthering Heights. If it hadn't been a famous book and all I wouldn't have read beyond the first few pages. Anyway, it's a small book so I should probably plough through and finish it. I love reading and I love literature but honestly, I'm not some great literary critic. I don't like all the classics. I hated Pride and Prejudice. Actually, it got on my nerves so much, the most I managed to read was 5 chapters, in 5 attempts. And I tried it that many times only because it's proclaimed to be one of the greatest books of all time. But it's just not my type.

I've also started making some food. Not cooking exactly. I made begun pora (or baigan bharta, whatever you call it) a few times, I make raitas and the old scrambled eggs. My whole diet plan is not going great (not surprising!). I don't seem to be able to stay off either chocolates or coffee(which obviously needs a lot of sugar). Well, once the supply of chocolates at home is exhausted it might help! And I had coffee because I had a bad cold. I'm liking yoga, it actually feels quite good and contrary to what I thought before, it's great for toning up. It's not very easy.

It's dinnertime, and I'm going to bake some fish today and make more begun pora. I love that stuff. Goodnight! 

Woes of an idli-dosa-sambar craving Calcuttan.

One thing I don't understand is why Bengalis hate South Indian food. Also there are very very few places that serve authentic South Indian food in Calcutta, and even most of those who claim to be authentic have no idea what sambar tastes like (they assume they can get away with serving daal) , make strange half-cooked stuff they call idlis and dosas and not a trace of coconut is to be found in their chutney.

And this is incredibly sad for a person who has grown up in Bangalore, surrounded by beautiful crisp masala dosas, fluffy idlis and utthapams and fragrant rasam. And unfortunately, I have dosa cravings like I have chocolate cravings, and have NOWHERE to go.

Once I ended up trying to satisfy this craving at one of the mall food courts, after which I vowed never to try South Indian food in Calcutta ever again and I'm still looking for something to neutralize the taste it left in my mouth.

So really, why do people here hate South Indian food? Even if I find a place, I can't find a single person who will go there with me. Is it because Bengalis have a deep dislike for anything vegetarian, or they simply haven't tasted the real thing? I think it's some combination of both. But then, even all my friends and relatives in Bangalore/Hyderabad/Chennai complain about the food. All the time. I guess the palate is just not something they are used to.

Anyway, I don't mind going anywhere alone, strictly, but it's no fun eating in a restaurant alone and not have anyone to gossip with over it and talk about the food and the flavours and appreciate the beauty of it. There are 2 new restaurants I found out about, one is Sambhar on CIT Road, and the other is The Chennai Restaurant, on Prince Anwar Shah connector. I can't wait to try them.

I really must visit Bangalore soon, and when I do, I will make sure I stick to a strictly local diet. Idlis, dosas, vadas and utthapams ALL DAY.

Reflections and resolutions

 The usual new-year stuff of course. The cliched 'another year gone by, a new one to face'.

Well, 2013 was a blur for me. For half the year I oscillated between very happy and very sad. Which eventually gravitated exclusively to extremely depressed. But then, I did what I thought was right, I got myself back on the track I believed I was meant to follow without wasting any more time, and so, without sustaining much damage. I took some major risks and in the end they did pay off. And of course, in the process, I gifted myself something I always wanted more of but never really had : time. I would say it was not an extremely eventful year, but eventful enough for some things to last.

And I realized that this gift of time is really the best I could have. So I think I've been extremely lucky. We never get a break. Like a real break. It's always a continuous one thing to another - hardly any holidays or holidays spent cramming or preparing for the next thing you have to do. I mean, I know that's how life is, but being free is such a blessing. I have time to read books, something I hadn't really done for a long time. Write, cook, watch sunset, learn music, read about random things. Just let the world soak in. Learn because I wanted to and not because I had to learn it for an exam. It's quite refreshing to do that.

I do admit I've mostly been a recluse all this time. Even more reclusive than I used to be. It might sound scary that I love to live in total isolation for very very long periods of time. It probably borders on sociophobia, but I just need that peace. I can't stand crowds, I don't particularly like talking to people, I hate telephones, large groups of people completely freak me out and even TV noise with too many people talking makes me want to scream. Parties and loud music get on my nerves. I need quiet. I don't even particularly like the idea of going out to meet my friends (not that I actually have many) if I'm not really close to them or it's someone I don't know very well, but am interested in getting to know. That way there are new things to talk about and that's exciting. Otherwise, it feels like a waste of time I could be spending on my own. Science is very social though, I'll have to find a way to deal with that. Though of course, discussions on something you like and know about is certainly different from awkward silences while meeting people normally.

My resolutions for this year are simple. Take good care of myself, mind and body. Sort out all the health issues. Follow 'early to bed and early to rise'. I don't care if I sound old, an unhealthy lifestyle is certainly not cool. I want to learn and expand my knowledge. Read more, write more. Be happy. Get fitter and lead a healthy life in general. Go organic - cut out as much as possible on nasty chemicals and try to use completely natural products as much as possible. Sounds funny I know, being a chemist and all, but I also know how bad these chemicals are - the stuff we use in cleansers and shampoos and food with preservatives. I've always had a fetish for bath products (no, actually I have a fetish for anything that smells nice, like shampoos, soaps, lip balms and perfumes) so as usual, I will go around trying new things, but stick to the natural stuff this time.

 I also should learn to drive though I'm not that crazy about it. I'd rather cycle. I've started yoga classes and will start meditating and working out too. I really have to. Unfortunately, I've crossed the age where I could eat anything and not get fat and boast about it. Well, I guess I'm paying for that now, all that carbohydrate and fat had to go somewhere over these years! :P The only problem is that I love food too much. Anyway, there has to be a trade-off somewhere. And I think I actually don't mind the idea of eating healthy. It's not that hard.

I also updated my flickr photostream and hope to take more photos when I feel like it. You can find the link on the right side of the blog in the links section. Have a look! I'm not an obsessive photographer unless I'm on a trip somewhere so it might not be very often. But I hope I will blog more, if I'm not too lazy and if I don't feel too cringy about expressing myself. Also, I gave the blog another makeover. It's serene enough but not boring, and bright enough without being overbearing. I love green. I think it looks good enough to eat, candy colours and all!

Well, goodbye for now, Happy New Year and good luck with everything you wish to achieve this year! :-)

Where are all the real people?

I went to the Winter Carnival at my brother's school last Sunday. Reminded me of school. High school, especially. Dressing up on the one day you can, with all the latest trends in place. Dance and music performances for about 5 mins each, for which they practiced and practiced for weeks, planning every detail.

High school was when self-discovery began. The only thing is, you're influenced by so many things you're confused about what you want to be. And for most people, being popular, being what other people like becomes more important. It's been five years since school, I feel so old.

And now it's different. Everyone has changed. Everyone seems to have had enough self-discovery, or are tired with it and have decided on a stereotype they need to fit. Then they've proceeded to add 'layers' to their personality and it's impossible to recognize them. What happened to simplicity? Honesty?

Can people not have normal honest conversations? Would it kill to not spew quotes from poems and obscure literature and famous/not-so-famous people? Or post heavily edited photographs of god-knows-what which no one will even look at if you don't have a thousand words of deeply thought-provoking text riddled with esoteric symbolism? I certainly don't mind the editing and I absolutely love photographs but what happened to 'a picture speaks a thousand words'? Or what about an honest photograph with a caption you made on your own? That would be so much more personal and meaningful.

It looks like everyone is so busy trying to be someone rather than actually being someone, that they think people will not take them seriously unless they act like their minds are buzzing with profound thoughts that they need to express in long paragraphs with an excessive number of full-stops, peppered liberally with hastags. Or be 'fun' by being affectedly silly or making ridiculous words.

And why? Because you need to be exclusive. Which is an irony because apparently, the less people understand you, the cooler you are.

Of course there are genuinely talented people who do all this. And surprisingly, even though everyone else is getting better and better at pretending, you can still tell the wannabes apart. Because they lack originality.

People who were creative, vivacious, and had their own texting lingo (which was sometimes incomprehensible, I admit) now seem to have become these sombre individuals who would not use a smiley unless they wanted to commit social suicide. Yes, thank you for the return of comprehensible, grammatically correct English, but I'd rather have the text lingo back because it was so much more real, so much more you. Don't get me wrong, I love it when people write well. But it's more about what you're trying to say than the fancy words.

To me, honesty, simplicity and originality are cool. Being fake, pretentious and unnecessarily abstract is not. Really, you don't have to be perfect or exceptional at something, or pretend to.

Having said all this, I realize it might be just me who is the odd one out. But whatever. I want to see real people. People I can talk to without being judged. Or without spending every second of the conversation wondering what the hell is going on. It's too much trouble. I mean, I have enough trouble talking people as it is. Or it might just be my fault I don't know enough about everything, or pretend to.

Please, people, be yourself. Be real.

Eat, Cook, Love

I found this old packet of pasta and a few lemons so I finally decided to cook up something. I made pasta in a lemon garlic butter sauce and yoghurt with chicken salami and sweet corn. Whatever I could find in my house actually. Though I probably went overboard with the lemons. I love lemons. Anyway, pasta is not really my thing. I did manage to cook it well but I don't like eating it much. I'd rather eat rice. Rice is better at bringing out flavours of whatever you're eating.

Winter makes me think of a lot of lovely desserts. Fresh from the oven apple crumble with vanilla custard. Hot almond brownies. Peanut butter and chocolate fudge. Fluffy banana cake. I don't have a good oven though, so baking is a problem.

I really do like cooking, I find it really stimulating putting all the ingredients together, creating something. It's a lot like music or painting. It's all about harmony - tastes and aromas. Everyone should try it.

I've been reading a lot of cute stuff on buzzfeed. Like ideas on gift wrapping and food gifts and I'm actually dying to gift stuff like that. Just so pretty. I was never good at craft though.

Otherwise - I haven't gotten down to much of the stuff I was planning to do. I will. Eventually. I hope!

I got a lot of new books. Wuthering Heights, Emma, Jane Eyre and Catcher in the Rye.Yes, I haven't read them yet, kill me. I just never liked romance novels. Too tedious to read pages and pages about people trying to impress each other and over-analyzing every damn thing. And I do love to read but more often than not I simply don't feel like reading  'serious literature' or whatever you would call this. Plus, I have zero interest in politics, economics or modern history. Ancient and medieval history is fascinating though.

I want to travel as much as I can, everywhere I can. The whole world is wide open, waiting to be explored. There is so much more than just the little circle you know, work and worries and all that.

Also, life is too short to be unhappy. It sometimes takes time to figure out what you want, or that something is not right for you. Once you do, you can change it. People might say you're being a loser by quitting. I just think it's also important to know where and when to stop. If it's not adding to you're life, you're exhausted and you're doing this for reasons primarily other than yourself, and finally, you're not happy, you need to have the courage to stop and change.

At the end of the day, it's about your confidence. If you worry about what other people think, it will always be a problem. Hell, it's your life. What someone else thinks doesn't matter because their thoughts don't directly impact you. Do things for the right reasons, for yourself and not because you want to conform to what people think you should do.

We're not teenagers anymore. I don't have to pretend to like obscure Scandinavian death metal bands and dress in black to be cool. Instead, I will do whatever the hell I like, and be proud of it, and be cool because of that. (Though I still do like death metal). And I will never apologize for being honestly myself.

Current music : Halestorm, Epica and Royal thunder.

I don't know what to say when people ask me what I want for my birthday. I never actually think about it. There's nothing at the top of my head. I don't sort of keep making a list all year or something. Even when I plan to buy things for myself I finally think 'oh, no I don't really need this'. I do shop impulsively sometimes, as a pick me up though. And I buy things when I need them. So? Clothes? I have too damn many of them but it's still always impossible to say no to new clothes. Where and when am I going to wear them? I don't foresee many occassions on which I can wear nice and new clothes. They'll just lie in my cupboard till I forget about them. Shoes? Yeah I could always do with shoes but I will again end up wearing the same old sandals every time. Unless I absolutely need them(which is hardly ever, if you're talking about occassions to wear nice things), they will lie forgotten at the back of the rack. And like I said, if I don't feel particularly great, I don't like wearing new and nice stuff. And since the frequency of feeling great has now dropped to zero pretty much, it doesn't make sense. 

I'm not much of a gadget person, I really don't care about phones and things. As long as I can call, sms and listen to music it's fine with me. Watches I like but I stick to one watch unless it's absolutely non-functional. Jewellery - I have a lot of it already and unless I'm buying something specifically to go with something, there's no point. Books - I love books but honestly, I don't have time to read them now. But maybe I'll buy a few. I always love the feeling of buying new books. Decorative stuff - simply no space. 

Damn. And then I end up asking for absolutely useless things. Imagine asking for ideas for your own birthday present. How ridiculous is that?

. 

Blanc-Noir

Friendship day is just over. It's weird how I've lost touch with most of the people I called friends. Again, realization strikes that I am pretty alone. But not completely alone and thats what counts. It's probably not a very healthy thing to be an extreme introvert like me but I've tried changing that and I don't think its something that will change. Interacting with people, talking, communicating - are things I'm horrible at and am  just uncomfortable with. I do it because I have to, thats pretty much it.

I used to be much more colourful. Now I'm so monochrome and bleak. So grey. I haven't worn earrings for ages and that was unthinkable before. When I feel awful, I look awful, and when I feel good about myself I look better and dress well. People say dressing well makes you feel good but it doens't work that way for me because if I don't feel good, I wouldn't be in a mood to bother to dress well. More like, I think I don't deserve it.
I went through this prolonged depressive phase which culminated in a sort of mental and physical meltdown. I realized I don't want to be a biologist. It's not what I was born to do. I probably don't know exactly what I was born to do, but I know this is not it. I felt like I was constantly having panic attacks and I could just never breathe normally, the feeling you get when you're really nervous except it's happening all the time. And then I got afflicted by weird things, so I had to come home.

So I'm back home to take a break and re-align. I did some things I haven't done in such a long long time. I sang, and it felt good. I'd forgotten what that was like, almost. Listened to some new music. Music adds meaning to life. I broke out of the classical groove for a change. Watched TV, though I didn't have the patience to sit and watch one thing. Made and drank coffee the way I love it, strong and with a bit of cocoa. Taught my brother math and biology. Ate nice home-cooked food. Drank a lot of berry juice.
I hope once I get back, I'll be in a better position to get my life back into balance.