I think I'm a bit more balanced these days. And I'm beginning to have good friends in college. And I'm being able to manage a lot of things at the same time. And I made nice omlettes on sunday and I quite like multitasking in the kitchen: frying eggs on one side, toasting bread and spreading cheese on them and microwaving them(it melts the cheese and you get a delicious pizza effect) and making coffee at the same time. Without burning anything. :D. Like I feel like a top chef when I do all that ;-). A chicken omlette is on the cards soon. See, actually I'm obsessed with omlettes because they're about the only things you can make without too much trouble but just enough trouble to feel like you're really making something. And besides I don't get much of an opportunity to really make anything else.

Anyway, I need to go eat and then I'll watch Raiders Of The Lost Ark. I've watched only one Indiana Jones movie: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and I really liked it.

And Polarimeters are pretty cute, like you see two shades of light in the two halves of a semicircle and they keep changing colour as you rotate the tube so its nice actually.

I just heard the song 'phire chalo' by Fossils(its from their new album) and its quite nice. It has a death metal-ish feel in the middle.

Okay, as usual I'm bad with endings, so um bye! :P

Busy-ness.

Tons to do. Lots of thermodynamics and heat engines and problems that turn out to be unsolvable but pretty cool anyway. Also, abstract algebra is really not as horrendous as it seems in class. I guess that's because I basically sleep and don't understand anything.

We have a science seminar coming up and I've never done a seminar before and I'd really like to do one on something I like. I picked biofuels(its not as boring as it was in E.V.E!! I hated E.V.E so I should know!) I really really badly wanted to do a presentation on this really cool stuff I found about curved spacetime. Its about how Newtonian physics gets screwed in curved space. And stuff like wormholes and all. It's probably the first time I'm getting all obsessively excited about something physics-related. I usually run away from that stuff. But its so insanely cool. Okay. Well. I still want to do it. But its like 12.00 am and I won't finish the abstract and plus I don't know a hell lot about general relativity and stuff so if they ask me about it I'll get screwed there and I don't have enough time to read up everything. I could actually.
Weird. Sometimes when I'm obsessed with something I hate letting go of it. I could console myself by saying I'll do it the next time but I'm a really moody person and I may not feel like doing this the 'next time', whenever it is. :(

Sports was sort of fun and the chinese food and black forest sundae after that was awesome.

And I like college and I like the people in my class and I'm having a pretty good social life!

Okay I've chattered enough.
And happy belated rose day. :P

"Destination Unknown"

A song I heard recently made me realize what life is all about. Its about exploring and not being afraid to go ahead. Its about taking chances and making the best of opportunities, about doing everything you want to because you only live once.
"Destination Unknown".
You never know where you're headed and that's all part of the adventure.
I love the song.
After listening to it something seems to have clicked in my head and its made all the scattered pieces of my life fall into place. There are beautiful memories and painful ones and some which are beautiful and painful.
It reminds me of the past and what I've been through and where I am now, but it doesn't make me sad. Rather it reassures me that life's like this. Its the journey that matters. Every bit of it is something new. something that makes a very big difference. This is the way you live.You fall and you crawl and you break but you stand up on your feet again. You don't have regrets.
Life is the wind whipping your face, making you feel alive as you race across the highway. Coming at you at full force. The faster you go, the stronger the wind feels. If you stop it doesn't feel windy.

Here are the lyrics.


Destination Unknown.

I see life and it's passin' right before my eyes
And the past is the past don't regret it, time to realize
I need to walk on the wire just to catch my breath,
I don't know how or where but I'm goin' it's all that I have left

It don't matter where it takes me
Long as I can keep this feeling runnin' through, my soul

Never took this road before -- destination unknown
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown
Won't be coming back this way gotta go it alone
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown

See a chance gotta take it wanna meet my fate
'Cause the last thing I ever wanted was to find out it's too late
No way out when you're in it deeper than the night
There's a light at the end of the tunnel and I see it burning bright

It don't matter where it takes me
Long as I can keep this feeling soarin' through, my soul

Never took this road before -- destination unknown
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown
Won't be comin' back this way gotta go it alone
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown

Bio-art.

You absolutely MUST check this out.
Its brilliant and amazing and wonderful and incredible and unbelievable and [well I expect you get the point?].

Start Of Something Beautiful.

Dusk. Dim orange streetlights.

Strings of song.

Silence

Skin prickling at the first touch.

Desire

Threads of rapidly crisscrossing thoughts

Flashing. Gone.

Eyes closing. Slowly.

Struggle of sense. Hesitation.

Electricity

Sparking anticipation

Coming together

The moment.

Blurred and Beautiful.

Seeming to last forever

But eluding memory

The beginning -

No end

The start of something beautiful

Lingering on

More Yay!

Okay so I decided white is more my thing, black wasn't suiting me so I ended up changing templates again and I'm using one of blogger's default ones just tweaked around a bit to suit the Purlpe Cauldron. :). I love it. I'll keep it this way for a while atleast!
And yes I am so going to flunk maths. One day to doomsday. God Help me.
An yes I'm writing pretty regularly.
And the coffee is back. And I have tons of chocolate, like boxes of chunks of home made chocolates baba brought from Kodaikanal so I'll survive for a while. They have cocoa farms there. I'd love to own a cocoa farm and have a chocolate factory :).
Oh no I'm talking about chocolate again. I mean I shouldn't be doing that. For certain reasons.
[Okay Mr.Coffee I'm really sorry you know, I couldn't resist and I seriously didn't mean to - well you know the rest.] :P
But I just hope moody posts dont look chirpy because of the chirpy layout.
I mean I still write moody broody serious things. So please take me seriously when I write broody serious things. Well, easy to say that now coz I'm not writing anything serious or broody but hell whatever!
Okay I guess that's it for now(I mean its not really it but I have to say goodbye before I write too much nonsense and I need to sleep anyway).
Cheerio! :)

Yay!

So I finally managed to change the template and I guess I'll be changing templates more often, its fun. :). Oh and the cool thing is there's a 'search' option in the blog so you can search the blog for any keywords. Only problem is the font size is pretty small so it might look a bit cramped. But I like it anyway.
And maths is really frustrating the hell out of me, but Taylor expansion isn't as scary as I thought. But successive differentiation is much scarier than I thought. Phew.
I think I like blogging better than social interview on Facebook. Some of the questions are really lame, like 'what would so-and-so do if you tickled them?' and 'what would you do if so-and-so threw a water balloon at you?' and all that. Blah. 
I like winter. Its lovely to snuggle under the quilt and get your feet warm. And also it offers more opportunities to dress creatively. Like layers and hats and scarves and all that. Nice.
I've survived four days without coffee. There isn't any more coffee powder in the house. Tomorrow's a sunday and hopefully some shopping will get done so I wont have to struggle for existence. No really, I hate it when I badly want coffee in the evening and there isn't any and I have to make do with tea. I mean there's only so much tea you can drink. Ugh.
I swear I'm going to throw a party after 2nd year to celebrate the fact that I don't have to study math anymore. But thats a long time off. :(
I realized its been almost 3 years of my blog. Yay :).

Time is all it takes.

I spoke to Maddy for a really long time today after a really long time. And like always, all the memories, flashbacks and unshared secrets came up.
And I think I can afford to give math a break for the evening so I got thinking like I usually do. Some revelations that made me go back in time. Little things that don't matter anymore, but would probably have mattered back then.
I've had an eventful life these past few years. I've seen a lot, experienced many many different things and learnt.
And over time everything changes. Fights, disagreements, struggles, overwhelming emotions you couldn't come to terms with. Everything gets ironed out in the end.
It still is difficult for me to accept some things or maybe I think that way just because of memories raked up. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, how to handle situations as they are now. There are times I still can't make sense of what I'm feeling which confuses me and depresses me. But what can be done? As of now, nothing.
But I know that everything will be alright later. Everything will be fine, ironed out. Things will begin to make more sense and I'll know exactly what I'm doing without being unsure of myself.
But it will take time. Time is all it takes.
This is life. :)

'Oh well, whatever never mind'

I'm not going to change. Because I like the way I am. I love the way I am. I like the things I do, I like the way I do things. I don't care if they're good, bad or crazy.
I'm a world for myself. I don't need much. I'll never go against what I want to be, not for anything in the world.
But I like change. I like trying new things, new ideas. I'm not rigid. I like to experiment. Find out what works best for me. Stick to what's best for me. But try other things. I like to fluctuate, oscillate.
I'm impulsive. I like to think. I think rather a lot sometimes. I wonder why I try to be nice all the time. Sometimes I'm not sure of what I'm doing. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes excited, elated, frustrated, tired. Sometimes I just don't know.
But I like being me. I like everything about me and about what I do. And I'd never want to be turned into something else, someone who live my way. I wouldn't change for anything in the world.

Strange Phenomena

I have my honours exam tomorrow and for some reason I am so shit scared I'm almost paralyzed and I cant think and I cant study and this has never happened to me before. I mean hell, I've never even been tensed before an exam. What the hell is going on? Like really, I'm so damn tensed and it feels like I've forgotten every damn thing and my head seems to not be working, like I don't remember a thing in inorganic. Everything is just gliding past me. Hell.
So I came online to try to relax a bit. Man I am scared. I think its the pressure. If you do well the first time people think you are absolutely the best and you always have to be absolutely the best. Family, friends, classmates, professors. And most of all myself. Its me whose been pressurizing myself the most.
I've changed I guess. I never cared about exams all my life, let alone get tensed. I mean earlier it would piss me off that I wasn't tensed before an exam like a normal person. I sort of wanted to start afresh now on the academic front because I was pretty average at school and yeah I'm quite pleased with the fact that I've made a start atleast but the incredible pressure I've got to get through to keep it going that way is something I realized only now. And the main part is, its a subject I like and I always want to be the best at what I like best. Sometimes I think I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly what I wanted to do before making any wrong choices. And I'm getting to do exactly that.
And unfortunately, that isn't the case these days. In 11-12 everyone's so confused with all the options. And mostly because of the peer pressure they end up doing something they don't really want to.And there are a huge number of students who get into basic science courses because they don't get the ranks they'd need in the competitive exams to get into the institutes they want and its pretty bad for them because if you don't really like the science and you're forced to study it, its terrible. And actually the whole system's a confused mess because it isn't easy preparing for competitive exams along with the boards.
So anyway like I said, I'm lucky. And personally, I wouldn't study engineering if you paid me. Actually the only other alternative I could've gone for was medicine or biotech. But naah. I'm happy with chemistry. Medicine is crazy tough and biotech isn't basic science. And since I want to do molecular biology later on chemistry is the best option.

Sheesh I've written a lot. Feynman's writing is getting into my system, I think I'm writing like him. :-O
Yeah writing helps!

So tomorrow will be the last bangla exam of my life. Yay. Uh, considering I pass that is.
I hope I pass I hope I pass I hope I pass

Hello again :)

I haven't blogged for a long time. So I thought I really must post something because my blog looks all abandoned.
And I want to make an omlette. I don't know why, but I just do. A big fluffy omlette with onions and tomatoes and capsicum, lots of chillies, maybe some cheese and chilli flakes and pepper and oregano and whatever else I can find.
And its winter but its not really cold yet, though people are acting like its the antarctic. I want to wear my nice green big sweater and purple socks. And I also really want to eat phuchka. Really jhaal phuchka. Haven't had phuchka in a long time.
I miss going to college. I feel really useless at home because all I do is eat and I become terribly lazy. We're on study leave for semester one exams which begin on 4th december.
Its nice going for long walks on winter afternoons. The exams will kill my winter here. Bad.
Oh and I'm really happy I got accepted for the Undergraduate Associateship at Saha Institute Of Nuclear Physics biophysics division. Which means I get to work on a research project there for 90 days a year for 3 years till I graduate. Which means I will already have a bit of research experience by the time I complete my Bsc. :). And protiens are cool :)
Yay. :)
Oh I just discovered that olive oil is nice. It smells nice too.

When I grow up and live on my own I'll call my close friends over for dinner on saturday night. And I'll cook dinner and we'll chat and catch up over brownies and coffee. Hot coffee on chilly winter evenings and cold coffee with ice cream for sultry summer days. And there'll be some good music for a nostalgic touch. And I'll light the pretty scented candles that have been piling up unused.
Yeah its nice to fantasize.
[Okay I admit that fantasy was a little bit Wake Up Sid inspired.

As my head spins faster and faster.

Past lives spinning by
losing count
Too many lost worlds
Days forgotten, though maybe not quite
Now just hazy outlines of memories
That dont seem like they really belong here.

A tightrope walk between past and present
All over again
New worlds, new lives
one at a time
Coming, going, coming, going

The same old things
but every time, surprising with a shining newness
never failing to electrify
Rising, dying, rising, dying
...Rising again
 To die again maybe
But its bright, like every rising.
Bright, but in a different colour.

There's nothing called perfect,
Nothing called forever
Nothing called never
 Just a long, long road
with something new at every turn

And my head spins faster and faster
I feel that strange tingling again
The spark through my nerves
The shocking thrill
But I think I know...

A nice day :)

So. I had a good day. And I thought physics would dampen my mood but I discovered elatedly that we had very little calculation to do, so good. :-).

I  like this weather, its somehow very peaceful and beautiful. Winter is setting in. Its lovely to walk in the s thats somehow makes me feel more alive. I left home a bit early(well I got ready early and I saw no point in hanging around at home) and I listened to Porcupine Tree on the way to college and I discovered I'm addicted to 'Radioactive Toy' in addition to 'Trains' and 'Piano Lessons' and Radioactive toy has some parts which have a very strong Pink Floyd feel. Gods. Those two bands are the Gods.

A.N. didn't turn up so 8 of us went to the canteen, decided we were hungry and pounced at each others food. :P. It was actually after a long time that I was hanging out with my classmates. I don't generally do that. And then all a sudden I saw an old friend who'd come to the Shakespeare seminar and it was really nice meeting her after a long time. Its funny how catching up on people suddenly is such a pleasure.
And we spend the rest of the time we had checking out guys there :P (its especially a lot of fun doing that when there are 6 girls together :P ) and we had a pretty good chat and stuff.

And then me and Krishno went walking all over Park Street and New Market for phuchkas and had pretty jhaal ones(yes jhaal phuchkas after a long time!! :D ). And then chocolate ice cream to cool down the fiery insides. :P. Jhaal phuchkas go well with this weather you know. :)

Then I met Riju at JU and we drank apple juice(instead of coke/pepsi for a change) and chatted about life and college and stuff and then I met Haimanti at Ruby and I aslo took some pictures there. Of the sky, obviously. It was great meeting her after such a long time. :-)

Yeah so it was a nice day. I am happy you know. Being happy is fun and nice, yes. :)

Back to work!

Its back to college and as usual my head isn't working well enough but I have nothing else to do at the moment. First period of the day is off[YAY!] so I'm in the cyber room.
My head is all fuzzy somehow when I get here so there are so many things I intended to write about but I dont seem to be able to make sense of anything in my head.
Well, first day back wasn't all that bad. I got a 10/10 in AD's vectors and mechanics paper[which is really shocking] so was quite elated because the last time I got full marks in anything was probably in class 9, in my first week at MHS, in Miss. Guha's history test. And I hated school back then but after being all praised by Miss.Guha I was all happy.
My dad promised me a present if I got full marks in math but that never happened unfortunately.

20th was Baba's birthday so I made chocolate cake and it was pretty good. We went to Flame and Grill of dinner and they have this unusual crab kabab which is pretty good.

Krishno continues to irritate me about bunking math classes and eating momos. :P
(Dont worry khawabo toke).

On sunday, me, Anushka and Ruvi went to City Centre and had a pretty "eventful" day. :D
We irritated the hell out of the people at the Junk Jewellery store by passing the weirdest of comments on the stuff there. Then at lunch we walked into one of the more expensive restaurants without knowing it would be way beyond our budget so we looked at the menu card and ran out. We decided a plethora of street food so we had these hot dogs and were still extrememly hungry so finally we went to KFC. And just when we were running out of things to do we went to Shoppers Stop, picked up the most awesome and most expensive dresses we would never buy and tried them on. And the third time we were on the verge of getting thrown out so we went to Pantaloons to do the same thing. :P
But we were thirsty this time so it was back to the food court. I had lemon ince tea which didn't taste much like tea or have muhc lemon in it and Anushka and Ruvi had chocolate milkshake which would give anyone diabetes. Probably they'd used chunks of sugar instead of chunks of ice. And there was this little girl who wanted chocolate milkshake without the milk. :) LOL!
And then we stared at a guy who looked intriguingly like a vampire(not as hot as Edward Cullen though)..but alright. :P :P

And my time's up I guess and this is probably the randomest post I've written in a while. Oh no I'm also hungry. :(
And I have a math class now. :(

Learning.

College is FINALLY reopening day after tomorrow so atleast I wont have to resort to desperate measures like taking weird quizzes on facebook to kill time.

And yes, I'll probably be able to sleep a bit.

About the only useful thing I've managed to do during the vacations is learn to make brownies. And I'll try cake tomorrow(its dad's birthday!). I've also read a lot.

And since I've had rather too much time to think (that's a terrible thing, trust me) and mull over how life's treating me I've been able to come to a few logical conclusions, but yeah its still hard to logically apply logical conclusions because a weird thing called emotion gets in the way.

The thing is, once you look at things from a broader perspective, rather 'the big picture' as I like to call it, accepting facts becomes a teeny bit easier. I don't really know how to explain this, but it's like looking at your life as its been so far, watching it like a movie without missing out any details(no matter how much you're tempted to). Like this chain of unrelated events shaping the way you think and feel. How relationships change, how people change, how we learn all the time, even unconsciously. And maybe things you never understood will fall into place. You'll find the little pieces you missed out earlier, just like when you're watching a movie or reading a book a second time.

Remember the times your people told you "whatever happens is for the best" and you refused to believe it? You'll look back and see it is.

I still have a long way to go.

New Divide.

I was staring at the night sky again, listening to 'New Divide' over and over again. The clouds were floating across the moon. The moon was pearly white and had a red halo around it. No, actually it was a rainbow if you observed closesly enough. A some way below the moon the little red pinprick of mars was visible, glittering through the clouds.

Some clouds were faintly orangeish pink, unlike the deeper red rain clouds at night. These orangeish clouds came in heavy masses around the moon obscuring it completely . Sometimes wispy white clouds flew across the moon. When clouds surround the moon you could see the red halo distinctly.

The clouds floated by in different shapes like a continuous procession. And sometimes the clouds all moved away leaving mars blinking through the deep blue night sky. Further into the night, mars seemed to be moving down so that I could barely see it peeking through the leaves of the tree.

And slowly the clouds, now deeper red began to gather.

There were some little black clouds too. It began to rain.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me

I remembered each flash as time began to blur

Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between

Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned

There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow

And the ground caved in between where we were standing

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

across this new divide

In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny

And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide

And your voice was all I heard

that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between

Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

Across this new divide, across this new divide