Coming back to life.

"I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life."

Rainclouds cover the sky.
There is this peace today. Of dark skies and Pink Floyd.
Solitude by the window, a cup of tea to keep me company.

I am healing.
I am rising.
I can feel it today.
I can breathe.

I do not apologize for being me.
I do not apologize for being silent but passionate.
I do not apologize for doing what has been good for me even if it has been hard.
I do not apologize for trying, doing my best, even if that is not much.
I do not apologize for fighting and struggling. Letting go of things that hurt me.
I do not apologize for dreaming.
I do not apologize for trying to make friends and failing most of the time. The successes make it worth it. And it's not my fault.
And I do not apologize for opening up. Exposing myself.

I did this largely alone, but I am not sorry that I reached out when I couldn't fight by myself anymore. No one should.  It's not easy, but you will find the people who care and understand. One day.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to ask for help. Admit that you need help. And accept the help.
Raging this war by myself has made me strong. Exposing my vulnerability made me think I was weak, but then I realized it has made me stronger.
Because I am happier. And when you have that on your side you're almost invincible.

I am not sorry that I'm not as pretty or smart as the other people.
I am me and I'm beginning to embrace who I am.

I am alive, as I deserve to be.
Because of everyone I love.
I will not go back to the cave I imprisoned myself in.

Because I deserve it. I deserve this.
I deserve the silence of the darkening evening sky.
The birdsong and the grass and the smell of rain.
I deserve to look up at the night sky and feel like I belong to the seemingly infinite universe.
I deserve to dress up all I want whenever I want, be colourful, be a woman and feel like a woman.

I deserve to walk tall in my heels, confident. Sway my head, sing loudly, just for myself, like I'm in a music video.
I deserve to feel amazing and ecstatic.
I deserve to want and be wanted.

I am full of love and peace.
I have learnt who I am.
And I accept it and don't keep trying to be who I want to be and beat myself up when I can't.
Of course we need to reach to be the best we can, and I try. Very hard. And I used to hate myself that I'm not who I thought I would be. But there's no end to striving to be better is there?
There's no end to thinking 'I could do better'. And that's a cycle we're trapped in.

But it's okay. Because sometimes, once in a while, I need to let go and feel like I'm good enough.
That I deserve all I have and all that I get.

Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter how many degrees you have.
Or how you're going to change the world with your intellect.
What matters is being a good person.
Now I know.
I remember that I am a good person, even if I'm bad at everything else.
And sometimes, that should be enough.

Today, I am ready.
I realize I may not be, all the time.
But that's okay, because today I am.
I am happy, and I know I'm enough.

Melancholy

The skies are overcast. The wind is chilly.
Sometimes, it drizzles.
You forget it was spring. It is cold.

Grey. Darkness creeps up.
Melancholy evenings.
It is so silent I can hear my mind talking. Almost.

The time has come.
I am crashing like a wave when it hits the sand.
Rising, rushing, faster and faster.
To fall again and crawl along the earth.

The sound of my heart breaking.
I am crumbling again.
The pain is physical. Like my body is protesting.
My bubble has returned to surround me.
It wants to protect me but it holds me still too.

So I lie still, where I am.
The pain traps me there. My tears are trapped too.
I drift in and out of consicousness.
My mind awakes, slowly, taking baby steps.

Quietly I breathe.
A mishmash of songs spread out to cover the silence.

I dream of starry nights.
Someday.
On the grass. Summer night breeze.
Breathing into the vast sky.

Footsteps. Voices.
Laughter. Music. Smiles. Pleasure. Silence. Peace.
Fulfilment.

One day, I will forget the pain, the collapsing of my being.
One day, I will be whole.
Sometimes I can only dream. 

The invisible life

We walk among you wearing masks of sanity.
But we, really, are invisible.
We are lost, we have faded.
Our shell remains with faint memories of who we used to be.
You do not see us, you see our shell.
You do not look back.
You are convinced by our hollow act.
You do not see beyond the mask we wear.
You are fooled, we have succeeded.
Or so we think, and so you think.
You can go to bed happy.

You ask us how we are and like robots we spout what we've been taught.
A few lines we've been programmed to output randomly.
'I'm fine, how are you?'
'Lovely day isn't it' , 'Oh yes, wonderful weather'.
We are not fine and we do not care about the weather.
We do not care about anything.

You walk away.
We have won and lost at the same time.
This game we play, day after day.
We try to make ourselves visible, but we're afraid.
We're afraid of you and we're afraid that you will be afraid.
You see Jekyll, we hide Hyde.

But today, I will tell you who we really are.
It is time.
It is time for you to know that we exist and we walk among you.

We are the invisible people.
I will tell you about the invisible life we lead.
Take off our armour of 'normal' and maybe you will see, if you watch closely.

We are not alive. We simply exist.
We were alive once.
We are crumbling.
We are dying inside, hidden away in dark prisons no one can see.
Nothing penetrates the fortress we are trapped in.
Nothing goes in. No Joy, no Beauty, no Love.

We are gasping for air where there is none.
We are drowning, struggling every moment to stay afloat.
Struggling, fighting to live.
Except we tire of swimming through this endless ocean, of breathing.
And we wonder, is it worth it? Existing? Like this?

We are overpowered by demons screaming inside our head
All the time.
This constant noise telling us we shouldn't be here
That we have no place
That we do not belong.
We are condemned. We are powerless.
We are shackled to these demons.
You say, why don't you set yourself free?
Because these ropes that tie us are invisible.
We cannot see them. How can you escape from an invisible prison?

So day after day, we let the demons live with us.
We try to run, but everywhere is a dead end.
They eat away at our minds.
Sometimes they kill us.

We scream, we cry, but you cannot hear us.
We are invisible.
When you hear us scream you walk away in fear.
Maybe, once, you hear and you try to help
You unlock the prison gates but you cannot release us from the demon.
Then you run.
But when you go away, we're bound tighter.
We're punished for our attempt to escape.

So we stay, underground, invisible.
In those dark dungeons.
Tortured. Scared. Hurt. Alone. Exhausted.
But this is every day for us.

You cannot see us.
Because above the dungeon is a blooming garden.
All you see is the sunshine and the flowers.
We are waging war down below.
You miss the signs of struggle.
You don't notice the rain and the withered, dying flowers.
You can't see the graves.

You think it's easy, you say it's all in our head.
Yes it is, but it doesn't mean it's not real.
Just because it's invisible it doesn't mean it isn't there.
It only means that you cannot see it.
You do not know.
We reach out in desperation.
Frantically. We want to live.
But you cannot see us waving our hand.

When you begin to see who we are
You abandon us, you ignore us.
You do not understand us. You do not try.

But we hope for another day.
Another chance to survive.
Another chance to be seen. Another chance for you to join the army against the demon.
Because if you stay, we can fight.

We need help. We need you to open your eyes
See that we want to live, like you.
We want to feel. We want to be alive. We want to survive.

Don't tell us. Don't tell us what to do.
Because we have tried. We have done everything.
We are not stupid. Some of us were brilliant when we used to be like you.

We are right there in front of you.
We are invisible because you do not want to see.
We want you to see. We don't want to live this invisible life.

We hope for another day.
Another chance to be resurrected.
Another chance to be seen.
Another chance for you to join the army against our demon.

Because if you stay, we can fight.
It will be hard, but maybe, one day, we can win.

And even if we don't kill the monster, half the battle is won.

Some Days.

Some days, once in a while, I feel great.
Maybe because the weather is just right. A little bit of a chill. A little cloudy with just the right amount of sunlight.
Maybe because it's one of those elusive good-hair days.
Maybe because I slept as much as I wanted to.
The sky is a cool blue-white.
The cherry blossoms will be here soon.

Sitting outside with a cup of tea. It's quiet now because everyone has gone home for spring break. It's me and the breeze and tea and silence. The occasional squirrel on the tree.

For a long time, I've forgotten who I was. Lost everything I used to be. Forgotten that I used to love to spin moments into words, words into pictures, pictures into stories. The writer, the artist, the musician, the scientist. All faded away. Some days I was a wisp of smoke, barely existing.

But here I am, and today I'm great. I know I'm more than just a shell. And I want the world to see that too. I don't need to hide, not today. Because through my words, if nothing else, I am powerful. I exist.

It will take a while to find myself again, I know. But that's okay because I have hope that I'm getting there. The fact that I'm writing at all is evidence of that. As of now I need to figure out how to make the most of a good-hair day.

Thanksgiving.

So I've been preparing to spend another holiday alone. It's thanksgiving, a time where families get together and eat a lot of turkey. Obviously, there is neither family here nor turkey (I'm not one to take the trouble to cook turkey if I'm eating alone. I don't like turkey anyway). It's just like any other day I spend alone except almost all the shops are closed including my favourite coffee shop. The library is closed. Also I know everyone else is having a great time with family or friends.

I guess sometimes you need to live your life and not wait around for people. It's important to learn to live alone, because there's just no other way. So I spent the day talking to people back home, catching up on Netflix (I finished Jessica Jones).

I went out for a walk in the evening. Somehow, evening skies never fail to inspire me. I guess sometimes we need this profound inspiration. It just made me rethink everything. Feel better. I felt more positive than I have in a long time. I played some songs I hadn't listened to in several years. Maybe it's the first time I really reclaimed a song. Made it mean something different. Because what it meant years ago no longer matters. It faded away, in the years in between.

I try to be in control. Powerful, impassive. But you don't imbibe that power. It comes from within. What you make of your life is upto you. You can sit around waiting, hoping, and then curl back up in disappointment. Or you can take control of how you want to feel. Some people say the vast skies make them feel insignificant. There is so much out there. Stars, Black holes, galaxies, galactic clusters, maybe more universes. But that does not mean you are insignificant. Because you exist. You exist too. You are part of the universe, the galaxies. You are made of the clouds and stars. And you have every right to be here, belong here. And you need to do it yourself, make yourself at home.

So there are a lot of things I am thankful for. I'm thankful of course for the people who care about me. But also to universe for being so beautiful and inspiring, because that's what keeps me going.

October moods

The bright cheery summer has suddenly changed into cold, rainy, grey October.
It's windy and the skies are always overcast. It's been like this for a week. In the beginning, it's a refreshing change from the heat but then you wish you could see blue sky for once.

So, today I was really craving soup and then I thought I saw a little bit of blue sky for a few minutes and then I got out to go to the cafe and get soup and sit outside and enjoy the weather for a bit but by the time I got out it was just grey. And it was too cold to sit out and eat soup. So I just came back home with the soup and watched the garden and courtyard from the window. Well, the soup was delicious. I'm certainly having it again. Or maybe if I feel like it I'll try making some at home.
Well, a cold Sunday evening with hot soup, toast and a nice book - not too bad.

After all, you've got to figure out a way to spend time alone when you're an adult. I know I always dreamed of having my own place. I quite like it most of the time. But sometimes I feel like I really want an actual conversation with an actual person. Not virtually. I realize I go days without speaking at all. Other than passing 'hi', 'hello', and 'how are you' (which, by the way, I feel is overused around here and I still don't know how to reply). If you count all that it's maybe and average of a minute a day. Or sometimes, the only non-virtual person I've spoken to all week is my advisor at our weekly meetings. Even worse is the very rare conversation you have really pissing you off. And then I think - well I'd rather not be talking at all. And that's how it's been.

So yes, this is not what I imagined it would be like. I always imagined I'd have my own space, but also that there would be gatherings I would host in my small but prettily decorated apartment, and there would be good food and deep, interesting conversations. Not only have I not had the time for that, no one else has either so it's difficult to get people together at one place and time.

I think the bigger issue is navigating socially in a new country. Social norms are different. Maybe I read things differently. For example, the 'how are you' from a person you meet every day would be odd in India. It's only something you say if you're meeting someone after a long time. So when in doubt I just be as friendly and nice as I can but really, I can't get around it. But I see that people do make friends, very good friends. I don't quite know if I'll get there. I suppose we just take for granted that when we move to a new place we'll meet new people and make friends. We never even think about it. After all, isn't that what we've always done? From moving schools - elementary to middle school to a new high school, then new college, institute/job - all that. We've done it every single time.

I wonder sometimes whether all this is really worth it. Living alone, so far away from home. And then I need to remind myself where I am and how lucky I am and I have every research tool I could possibly want literally at my doorstep.
But even then. Is it worth it? Spending a Sunday evening alone, while at home I'd be sitting with my family drinking tea and eating muri-chanachur and telebhaja. Sometimes I feel like wow, what would life have been if I just stayed in Calcutta and got a job and made it back home in time for tea every day. Of course, it's a different matter that I'd need a PhD to do even that!
Well, it doesn't work that way. I worked hard to get here for a reason. And I also love the independence. I guess there's always a price to pay, anything you do. It will all never be perfect.

So yes, I sit alone by my window as dusk falls and the lights fade. But it is my place. My window. Everything I've put together from scratch. The computer, phone and Kindle, dining table, chairs, couch lamps and shelves I bought. And suddenly it hits me what a long way I've come. It's a different life.

Little big things

There are some things you grow up learning but you don't realize you do.

In the process of growing up, for a long time you struggle with just not being enough. Not knowing enough, not being able to do enough, not quite catching up to other's expectations of you, and most importantly, not measuring up to your own expectations. 

Then what do you do? In a few years you realize that it's a never ending process. There is a lot that is out of your control. There are always going to be people smarter than you, prettier than you, more talented and accomplished than you. But there is one very important thing that is completely in your control - being a good person. And that is much much more important than anything else. It will make you feel better about yourself than anything else. 

It's not that nice people don't do bad things. But I think it's important to be the nicest person that you possibly can. It's one thing you can be good at if you try.

The best part is it's not very hard. It's one of the easiest things to do, actually. It never hurts to be nice. It's always safe. 

It doesn't mean you take everything that comes to you - you stand up for what's right and be honest. When in doubt, be nice. Because you never know, you might just make someone's day. There have been countless times in the recent past when a small act of kindness from a complete stranger made me feel better when I was having a horrible day and felt like there's no reason to exist. And I just want to put back some happiness in the world. Everyone should.  Because that's just what everyone needs. When you're having a bad day, every little thing begins to matter and sometimes someone being inadvertently rude or difficult can be the last straw and just send you into a breakdown. So, When you feel like everything in the world is going wrong, you need to be reminded that it's not all so bad after all. And I guess if you're nice, it will come back. And it will atleast reassure you that good people do exist. 

Birthday lessons.

Another birthday gone. One year at Hopkins done. I feel like I'm back to square one. I need to begin again. 

True, every day can't be a good day, but my 24th birthday was just overwhelmingly "hello, welcome to being a real adult". Sometimes, everything that can mess up will.  And a lot of days are going to be really bad days but you have to find a way to get through them.

This is life. Get used to it. You're not a child anymore. You can't just cry and hope for something to make it better. 

No one will do things for you. You just have to take control of your life and do things for yourself. Go out and get what you want and screw what people think, because you have the right to do what will make you happy if no one else does. 

In the end you're on your own and the only person you're allowed to expect anything from is yourself. 

I realized the only way to do this is to just remind yourself of what you can do, what you have achieved and why you're great. Because every day, you're going to be reminded more than you need about what you're bad at. 

If all else fails just go to bed and sleep it off and hope tomorrow is a better day. 

The old and the new.

Reading my older blog posts I simply cannot believe the person I was and the person I am today.
It's not like don't relate to that person. But teenage to mid-twenties is an enormous change. It's nice to be able to see that change. Mid twenties. Almost. Wow am I old.

I cringe at the way I used to write. But I was young, innocent, exuberant. I still am, but I express very little. I write anything about myself and I think a hundred times before hitting 'publish' and more often than not, I don't. I felt everything deeply and passionately. Now I don't, at all. Do those few years really impact you so deeply that they turn you into who you are? Thinking back, maybe they do. Except when you're older you have more control over being who you want to be. Pain never lasts. You get over things you thought you never could. Time does heal everything. And then you think it's all gone, all over. But many years later, you wonder why you are like this and there it is - the answer. What you went through and what you chose to do when you were 16.

Change is natural of course. Change is great. The coolest thing is I still have this blog.

Stormy-night-nostalgia

Stormy evenings are all the same.
Thunder and rain. Today, and seven, eight, nine years ago.
Here, or back home on the other side of the planet.

I wonder what happened to all the people I knew.
Those friends I texted all night on 11 Rupee SMS packs.
The best-friend-turned-girlfriend love stories I found so cute.
Dreaming of doing something great.
Becoming musicians and gypsies.
I guess you grow out of things mostly.

Rains were dark music and dreams.
What I was and what I wanted to be.
Wishing I smart like him, confident like her, fearless like her.

So many years later, so far away, the rain brings back the old dreams.
The people I looked up to, and wanted to be like, I wonder how they are now.
I see now that couldn't be like them.
But I don't need to anymore.
Because I am better than the random bits and pieces I wanted to put together.

I guess they have become who they wanted to be too.
I wonder who they are now.

Breaks and beginnings.

And vacation is done. 

California happened. Great home cooked food, orange juice in fancy wine glasses, days of cuddling in bed with books. Quaint, beautiful San Francisco with steep roads and lovely coffee. 

Pretty Monterey and the cold Pacific Ocean. 

It's time to go back. New things to be done. I'm equally excited and terrified. Maybe a little more terrified. I've never done a PhD before so obviously I have no experience. 

There's much to be done. Decisions to be taken. All that doing everything yourself alone adult life. 

Hello, spring.

The weather's great. The trees are colourful. We don't need jackets and boots anymore.
I took a solo trip to Washington D.C. to see the cherry blossoms.
I've always wanted to travel alone, I finally did it. Though it was a tiny little trip. And I ended up not being alone, but there's always next time.
Washington D.C. is beautiful. It would certainly be a great city I could run away to when I have time. There's a lot to do there.

I just prefer being on my own a lot. It just works better for me. It's what gives me inner peace. I guess some things don't change no matter how old you get. I like doing things on my own time. And I'm getting a chance to do exactly that and I'm going to make the most of it.

It's going to get hotter. I like the cold but this will be a welcome break till I get tired of getting sunburnt.

I will (hopefully) be going on a proper holiday for the first time in more than a year, soon. I can't wait. I'm also excited about my work and can't wait to learn more about what I want to know.
Geek or whatever. I've always been a geek. I don't mean the 'popular geek', I've just loved science ever since I can remember having any memories. I get to now be one of the people who actually find out new things. What could be more awesome to a person who gets high on the new?

And, it's time to get ready for monday. 

Spring rain

Life's sort of good. 

The cold winter has died out. 

All the snow has melted away.

You can see the beginnings of green in the grass.

Spring is waiting to bloom.

Rain falls gently , feeding the earth. 

Petrichor. 

Spring break has begun.

It's a beautiful day for books and vanilla tea and family far away.

Life's sort of good.

 I love my new lab. 

It's the point in the semester when you eventually get to the cool stuff. 

I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. Solving a little piece of the puzzle of how Nature works. 

My hair is finally growing out and I also have more good hair days. 

I cook more. 

It's not so cold so no more thick jackets.

I guess you just can't help feeling better in the spring - sunshine or rain. 

And here's hoping for a good weekend. 

Screaming into vacuum

Still, white noise

Chaos inside your mind 

Trying to break free

Bleed out

Life comes back

Full circle

To push you all the way

To where you began. 

Unlearn, relearn.

An empty page

Waiting for a story to begin

Again

From nothing

Cozy corners.

Bustling cafe
Chai tea latte
Bright lights and bar stools
Haiku and strains of the flute.

The smell of books and coffee
Cozy chatter
A little blip of solitude
An hour of stolen silence.

Dreams of home and kitchen shelves
Mirrors reflecting empty rooms
Time gone
Now buried in bookshelves

Cloudy skies
Another day
Coffee and laughter
Killing loneliness.


     

Sunday scribbles.

One week through the semester. I like my classes so far. 2 more weeks of my rotation and I'm kind of lost there, but trying to muster some hope to face each day. Research is hard. I'm closer to taking the biggest decision of graduate school life - my PhD lab, and I definitely need to put a lot of thought into this.

I didn't realize this last sememster when I was very busy, but I like to be busy. Reasonably busy atleast. You would say it's easy to be busy when you want to, but it's actually not. Well, it's not like Baltimore has much to do anyway. Nor do I have a burgeoning social life (I probably don't want to either, but it certainly would not hurt to know some more people and I know that means active effort on my part). Life tends to get stagnant sometimes. Which is why it's good to be busy. But like they say, be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.

I'm enjoying my weekends pretty much. Dinner and drinks on Saturday night. Sleeping most of Sunday. Not a bad life?

I'm devastated that I'm missing 2 brothers' weddings. All the fun and excitement and gossip and dressing up and food all that. I sincerely hope I don't miss the others. And of course I miss Calcutta. The bustling, noisy streets, randomly meeting friends at South City, gelato, autos, the metro. Oh, so much.

Here we go again: Spring 2015.

The Spring 2015 semester begins. After a pretty long-ish break. Which I must say I enjoyed, but I certainly look forward to starting classes again. Being a little busier, chugging coffee while rushing to class, seeing more people, being forced to do more reading and thinking and learning new things and marvelling at science - that sort of thing.

I did some things I missed doing last semester - like lying in bed all day and reading. I'd forgotten what that was like. Reading is a great way of going on vacation without actually going anywhere. Which is why you should do it when you really want to get away. You'll be living in a different place, living someone else's life. It's very refreshing. I just read The Fault in Our Stars, which I got as a Christmas present. It was sad, but not earth-shatteringly tragic because you expect the tragedy, you know it's coming. But there are some very beautiful thoughts in there.
I got to spend a good amount of time in the very peaceful cozy library.

I also did some cooking. Home-style. Things like daal and spinach. With detailed step-by-step instructions on the phone from my mother, of course, which I hastily scribbled down in my notepad and kept next to the stove and periodically squinted at diligently to make sure I got everything.
Can't wait to make maach-er jhol. Slightly longer instructions for that. I guess cooking is a lot like doing experiments. It feels like that to me. Like reading a protocol and adding things and heating and stirring and then optimizing it. You need to be organized. Maybe if I cook more I'll get more used to it.

I also discovered the most amazing cookies-and-cream milkshake at the cafe in the Biology lounge. No wonder I gained a huge amount of weight in the last 5 months. (I officially fall in the category of 'fat' now.)

It's been raining and snowing on and off lately. I like snow but I don't like rain. Snow is just so white and pretty.

I am currently listening to a lot of Hindustani Classical and Coke Studio. Currently playing on loop (thanks to Pritam): Cheene re mora chain', sung by Rashid Khan.